A Real American's Guide to Knowing When to Believe Allegations of Sexual Assault

Disclaimer: this guide is satirical. If you actually follow this formula you're a piece of shit and you probably think "MAGA" is a word.

With all these allegations of sexual assault floating around like the creepy debris in The Upside Down it can be difficult to know what to think, whom to believe, whom to hate. That's why I've come up with a handy formula that red-blooded Real Americans can use to verify the legitimacy of sexual abuse allegations. It's simple: if a woman accuses a Democrat or a Hollywood figure you dislike or some other elitist of the cultural or coastal (but not the economic) variety of sexual assault, believe her. If a woman accuses a Republican of sexual assault, the bitch is lying out her whatever.

Of course, not everything is black and white. Some situations will fall in the gray area, which is why I also created the following thought experiments because you shouldn't have to feel conflicted when people you admire are accused of being abusive perverts.

Let's start with an easy one: a woman accuses a Democratic senator of pinching her buttocks without her permission. He claims to remember the incident differently but apologizes because in hindsight what he did was still inappropriate. Whom do you believe? Easy: the woman is a hero and the libcuck rapist pedophile needs to resign!

Also easy: a dozen underage women accuse a Republican senator of molesting them. First off, it's best to assume any accusation against a Republican is just a smear campaign coordinated by Nancy Pelosi, Satan, and the man-hating Mainstream Media, but for form's sake we'll still work out the solution logically. So what do you do? Ask yourself this question: does he deny it? If he denies it it didn't happen. Ergo, the bitches are lying! They're just mad because Hillary lost the election. Plus age of consent should be left to the states. My dad had a saying when I was growing up: "Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed." Mother nature always knows more than some bureaucrat, so let’s let biology and not Big Government regulate sexual relations.

You hear allegations that a celebrity has groped a number of women and used his size to block them from leaving a room so they can't avoid his unwanted penis display. He's probably an elitist but you still want to like him because he has a new movie coming out that you really want to see. What's the right call? Tough one. In this situation, I recommend you play it by ear. Are the feminazis on Twitter piling on him? It might be safe to still watch his movie because he's probably on your side now. The Republican Party has made it clear that sexual assault will be not just tolerated but glorified, so look for a healthy number of accused men to migrate to the GOP, where they will be worshipped instead of shamed. I would also make sure to get your buddies together and go see the movie on opening weekend. Just to send a message to all these lying bitches.

A famous Jesus-loving, gun-worshipping, flag-waving, Trump-voting country music singer has been accused of inappropriately touching a child. What do you do? You don't want to come across as pro-child-fucking, but you also can't cede moral ground to the libs, so the smart call here is to share a bunch of articles about how John Podesta and Hillary Clinton are child molestors.

A public figure you greatly admire has just been accused of a rape that occurred more than thirty years ago. The woman has lived with the pain and guilt and shame of the attack since she was a teenager, while the man has gone on to achieve great success and to be regarded as a fine family man and moral leader. Is the accuser a brave woman or a lying bitch? It's a hard call when you don't necessarily know the political leanings of either party, but it's always safer to err on the side of lying bitch because that lying bitch had thirty years to come forward with these allegations and she's clearly only doing it now because she wants her fifteen minutes of fame as well as to be doxed by an anti-feminist internet troll so she can receive hundreds of death and rape threats from rage-filled nihilists and professional masturbators.

What if both the accuser and accused are Republicans? This is a pickle, but tie goes to the runner, the runner being the man.

Here's a curveball: someone accuses you of sexual misconduct. Do you take responsibility for your actions, apologize to your accuser, reflect on your actions—or do you tell everyone she's a lying bitch? Trick question: repeat after me: "I was a Democrat when I did that."

It's important that women feel heard when they come forward with their tales of being groped, abused, assaulted, raped, intimidated, disrespected, yadda yadda yadda. But there are two sides to every story. We can't allow unfounded allegations to ruin the lives and reputations of pro-life sexual predators. Remember, not all rapists are Clinton donors.

©Alan Good 2017