Tips for Trump Supporters Who Want to Pretend to Themselves They're Still Christian

It may seem like an oxymoron and no doubt it will be used as an example by all the major dictionary publishers under their definitions of “oxymoron,” but you can be a Christian Trump supporter!

"Donald Trump is a fucking oxymoron." —Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

"Donald Trump is a fucking oxymoron." —Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

However, in this new political climate of amoral leadership and blatantly phony religious faith, your standard variety of cognitive dissonance will only get you so far. Trump supporters who want to identify as Christian are going to need a little extra help in order to get through this presidency without feeling like pawns of Satan and crumbling like the foundations of our moribund democracy under the weight of the unavoidable guilt stemming from their blind support of a racist, narcissistic, heretical sexual predator for president. Trumpers, when the truth comes rushing at you in a tidal wave of sorrow and regret, just use whatever combination that works of the following tips to shove those inconvenient feelings back into the vacuum of your soul.

  1. Make “I did it for the babies” your mantra. You can’t pretend like Trump didn’t cause a bunch of abortions—actually you totally can pretend that Trump didn’t cause a bunch of abortions or rape teenage girls and throw abortion money at them because we live in an age where whatever you want to believe is the truth can absolutely be the truth and anyone who contradicts you can be dismissed with the phrase “Fake News” so it really doesn’t matter how many times he’s been divorced and remarried or how many times he cheated on his wives or how many women he abused, assaulted, and raped because Trump claims he’s against abortion and that makes him a moral figure!

  2. Absolutely do not think about the babies that aren’t getting conceived because decent people don’t want to bring new life into the nightmare reality Christian Trump voters helped create.

  3. You might feel racist for supporting him sometimes if you pay attention to anything Trump says or does but just remember that while racism is bad and definitely un-Christian it’s not racist if you don’t even regard whatever group you’re being racist against as human so you’re good.

  4. Even if global warming turns out to be true and we could have done something about it instead of electing a fucking moron who thinks science is a hoax, the sun is still going to die one day and that will be the end of life on Earth anyway, assuming the Yellowstone supervolcano doesn’t kill us all first.

  5. Even if Trump gets us into a nuclear war with North Korea that all but destroys life on Earth, global warming was going to do that anyway.

  6. When Trump goads North Korea into firing missiles at the U.S., take comfort in the knowledge that they’ll strike major cities first and most of the people—even the babies and the preborns—who die will be pro-choice.

  7. Tell yourself that if Trump should resign, be impeached, or die because the power tie he uses during autoerotic asphyxiation is just too damn powerful, then Mike Pence will become president and the nightmare reality will only really harm gay people.

  8. When Congress does fuck-all to protect Dreamers and Trump tells ICE to start rounding up and deporting people who were brought to the United States at a young age and have known it as their home for their entire lives even if they’re not technically citizens, you might feel some pangs. You might even hear a voice, the voice of decency and compassion you can usually drown out with talkradio, quoting these words that Jesus Christ spoke two thousand years ago and that are memorialized in Mark 12:31: “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” Just say, “I’d sure love myself a free trip to Mexico!” and turn up Laura Ingraham.

  9. So Trump, with your help and support, is emboldening white supremacists and alt-nazis, using his presidential power to benefit his business and reduce his tax burden, undermining attempts to protect our air and water and natural resources and mitigate the coming horrors of climate change, attacking public lands and sacred sites, sabotaging our democratic institutions, amplifying disinformation in order to create a propaganda state, retweeting Fascists, turning Americans against each other, ruining football, and increasing tensions with the only world leader more dangerous than himself—at least we’re allowed to say “Merry Christmas” again and that’s all you ever wanted.


©Alan Good 2017