Official Statement of the Silent Majority Re President Trump’s First Month or So in Office

We saw Africans stolen from their homeland and brought to this continent and forced to work in inhumane conditions for no wages, walking testaments to the hypocrisy of our Constitution, and while we were conflicted at times we took comfort in the knowledge that we didn’t own slaves ourselves or if we did we treated them real nice.

We saw the stuff with the Indians/Native Americans/American Indians/Etc. and thought “No you’re right, that was messed up. Shouldn’t’ve gone down that way and we’re sorry. No not sorry enough to stop with the Tomahawk Chop, are ya kidding me?!”

We saw Japanese-Americans rounded up and forced into internment camps and we were like “I know it’s for the good of the country but sheesh, do we have to be shown the pictures?”

We saw our government drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, killing thousands and thousands of civilians, including children, and we applauded, politely, because we knew those deaths saved a million lives and while most of us couldn’t really define “utilitarianism” we most of us are to some extent believers in utilitarianism.

We saw Rosa Parks get arrested for refusing to give up her seat in the middle of the bus and move to the back of the bus and we were like “What? She’s too lazy to move to the back of the bus? I’m not racist but this incident reinforces all my baser thoughts about black people.”

We watched black people being beaten and sprayed with water and our consciences called out to us and we answered, “Well, I mean, they’re right, they’re on the right side of history and all but do they have to be trouble-makers about it? You catch more flies with honey you know.”

We saw young people protesting the war in Vietnam and we wished they would cut their hair.

We were never really bothered by the Watergate thing. Nixon had been really nice to us.

We saw feminists marching in the streets, burning their bras and carrying on. You say the bra-burning thing never really happened but I guess you don’t believe in the moon-landing either? OK yes we don’t really know what to believe anymore either.

We saw Ollie North lying to Congress but he had such a nice haircut and the Eighties were just so much fun.

We saw Bill Clinton lie about not having sex with those women and that’s honestly all that we remember from that era. And Seinfeld.

We saw the twin towers fall and were like, man, I really need a patriotic lapel pin.

We saw the first African-American president and were relieved to know that racism was officially over. (Except against white people.)

We saw minority groups of all stripes—blacks, Mexicans, LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ folks—standing up for their rights and secretly wished we could also be discriminated against, except without the inconvenience of actual discrimination, so we could stand up for our rights too because look how much fun!

We watched that video where the black guy who worked for a school was pulled over and he told the cop just so you know I have a permit to carry a concealed weapon and I do have a weapon in the car and the cop says “Don’t move” and so the guy stops reaching for his wallet and puts his hands back up and the cop sees that as a threat and shoots him, but of course all that happened, conveniently, before the video starts; the video starts right after he’s been shot so we only have the girlfriend’s story about what really happened and he could have been reaching for his gun. Right? He could have been reaching for his gun? I mean there are two sides to every story. Fortunately there were these memes all over Facebook where it turns out the dude was a crip and we were like “Oh thank God cuz I thought I was going to have to say something finally.”

We saw Donald J. Trump brag about moving on married women like bitches and grabbing them by their genitals which we all knew was locker room talk and we saw him mock that disabled reporter and were uncomfortable but also refreshed because political correctness has made it so hard to just have a good laugh these days. Plus he says he didn’t even do it, that it was fabricated by The Mainstream Media and we all know how they do. And he made some statements about Mexicans and Muslims that were in poor taste and his mastery of policy was—well, it would be hypocritical of us to criticize someone for his lack of mastery of policy—and we knew we had a chance to vote for Hillary Clinton and we almost thought about voting for her because Trump is a character to put it mildly but we could not in good conscience vote for “Killary.” We were too much troubled by e-mails and she-males.

We see the way Trump treats the national intelligence community and think, “Gee, for a guy who’s really in to golden showers he sure takes a hard line on leaks.”

We see people being forced to revel their passwords and are like, “OK, maybe we were upset that Obama was doing something to our metadata but if you don’t have anything to hide you don’t have anything to worry about so give up those passwords, people, because it’s time to give him a chance.”

We see Trump taking credit for the success of the Yemen raid but now the dad of the Navy SEAL who died in the raid is super-angry and calling for an investigation and people are like Trump wasn’t even in the situation room when it all went down and now Trump is blaming the successful mission’s failure on the military saying “This was something they wanted to do. They came to me, they explained what they wanted to do—the generals—who are very respected, my generals are the most respected that we’ve had in many decades, I believe. And they lost Ryan” and we’re actually like, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

We see the attacks on health care and environmental protections, we see the demonizing of Muslims, we see the scapegoating of immigrants, and for the most part it’s like “Meh,” except we also see the stuff the pope says and we’re like “Pope, cut it out, you’re making us feel weird,” and we see the weird powergrabby stuff with Steve Bannon, who makes us uncomfortable too and that’s sort of what we want to talk to you about: we have your back, Donald, one thousand percent, but you’ve got to give us some cover. It’s one thing to be endorsed by David Duke because we can say, “Hey, he can’t control who endorses him,” but it’s another thing to hire a guy who makes David Duke look like a hippie as your White House consigliore.

We are the Silent Majority and we will provide tacit consent to any injustice so long as it doesn’t affect people who look like us and will not in any way interfere with our habits, comforts, or television programming, but come on, Donald, we’re not asking you to do anything silly such as to “look deep within your heart” or “listen to your conscience.” All we’re asking is you take a timeout on the creeping Fascism stuff, just a little pause, at least long enough to get the pope off our backs, because this is getting hard to watch.