"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
"My child, we are all sinners."
"I have had covetous thoughts."
"The Bible does say 'Thou shalt not covet,' but you are His child and your sins will be washed clean. In this case I think five Our Fathers and a Hail Mary."
"Thank you, Father. I have also committed adultery . . ."
"Now that is more serious, yet there is nothing you can do in His eyes to lose His love."
"In my heart, Father. I committed adultery in my heart."
"I see. That's a little bit different. In my experience, that one's usually covered with a baker's dozen of Our Fathers."
"Thank you, Father."
"My child, is there anything else?"
"Well, I don't want to say it."
"It's OK. Whatever you say will stay between you, me, and our Lord in Heaven. Go ahead."
"You see, I—I don't know if I can say it."
"You can do it, child. God's grace is sublime. You will be forgiven."
"Thank you, father. OK, I—God, this is hard, OK, OK, I can do this: I voted for Donald Trump."
"Oh sweet JESUS!"
"I even donated to his campaign and . . ."
"Oh demon child!"
"And bought one of those hats."
"Listen carefully, child. You must say ten million Hail Marys and sell all of your possessions and give all the money to the people of Puerto Rico and devote every second of the remainder of your existence to washing the feet of homeless people if you want even a snowball's chance in Hell of forgiveness."
"Run, child. Go! Go now."
THE SINNER DEPARTS.
"Deacon John, Deacon John! Grab the bleach bucket. You got another detox in confession booth 3!"
©Alan Good 2018
Author's note: if you thought this was offensive you should see some of the shit those "Christian" Trump supporters say. Goddamn.