In Which I Don't Go for the Obvious Rhyme; I Could Have Called This One "I Hate Huckabees" but I Don't Hate Them, Not Hate-Hate

There once was an Arkansan bassist,
whose com'dy was frankly the basest.
He gave up his faith
t'give his child a plathe
working for the Great Orange Racist.

Leaked Excerpt from the Working Screenplay of the Steve Bannon Reboot of The Ten Commandments

GOD

And finally, thou shalt not covet. Write this down. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, or his male or female servant—"

MOSES

One sec. A point of clarification if you will.

GOD

Yes?

MOSES

When you say covet . . . .

MOSES reads from his tablet.

MOSES

When you say, and I quote, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife," specifically, my question is, is it OK if we just grab her by the pussy?

GOD

That's a great question. I'm glad thou asked. Yes, yes, it's OK if thou grabbest thy neighbor's wife by the pussy, thou can even go so far as to move on thy neighbor's wife like a bitch, as long as thou dost not covet her.

MOSES

Thanks.

GOD

Shall I continue?

MOSES

More like cuntinue am I right?!

FADE TO OBLIVION.

A Villanelle for Day-Drinkers

Do not settle for a Pepsi or Sprite.
Corn syrup can’t fizz your troubles away.
Day drinking sets all your problems aright.

Next to a yapper on a twelve-hour flight?
When you get bumped by the beverage tray,
do not settle for a Pepsi or Sprite.

Suffering Bears fans whose team is a blight
do not despair over games in Green Bay.
Day drinking sets all your problems aright.

Good parents whose babies fight sleep all night
hit hard stuff like whiskey at breakfast; they
do not settle for a Pepsi or Sprite.

Your job’s a prison, your boss a smug shite?
Know, as you plot how to get through the day,
day drinking sets all your troubles aright.

Go get a real drink, just not one that’s lite.
Fuck what your neighbors or in-laws might say.
Do not settle for a Pepsi or Sprite.
Day drinking sets all your problems aright.

May 19, 2017: Shadow Trumpers and AFATS: A Serious Problem

"The news couldn't get more depressing,"
she said as she started undressing.
"The MSM
's unfair to him!"
And Emily* started redressing.

*Emily (not her real name) canceled her Tinder account in the taxi (that's right, a taxi, a taxi not an Uber because "Emily's" not a fucking tool) on the way home. The next day she met a man, an actual man, in real life, at a bookstore (not Barnes & Noble or one of those fucking Amazon monstrosities but a real fucking bookstore), and they soon fell in love. Due to her near-fuck with a Trump supporter she was unable to engage in physical love with her new boyfriend for nearly eight months. She tried, Lord knows she tried, but as soon as she started to undress she'd be racked with stomach cramps and overcome with nausea and rage. Her doctor informed her she suffered from AFATS, or Almost Fucked A Trumper Syndrome. AFATS is a serious condition affecting hundreds, possibly thousands depending on how drunk they were, men and women across the globe. Emily was lucky. Through hard work, intense therapy, and the support of her family and friends she was able to overcome her Trumper-induced aversion to sex. She also became involved in the movement to require so-called Shadow Trumpers to make their affiliations known before pursuing potential romantic relationships and is rightfully regarded as a hero. Morality, if not always the law, demands that people who have HIV/AIDS disclose their status to potential sexual partners; the same holds true for those suffering from Trumpism.

April 21, 2017: In Honor of Earth Day, A Serious Dialogue Between Sarah Palin and Donald Trump

"The Earth is now fucked, that's for certain."
"It's ourselves we really are hurtin'."
"Let's just ignore
it and argue more
'bout which of has the oranger tan."

Note on pronunciation: you have to put a lot of emphasis on the last syllable of "oranger" and almost elide the middle syllable to get this one to sound right.

A note on who's talking: it doesn't matter which one of them says which lines.

Author's note: even I'm getting tired of the spraytan jokes. On the other hand, Trump can go suck a colostomy bag like it's one of those fucking applesauce pouches my children are so crazy about.