A Review of "Will Mooch for Food: My Adventures as a Filthy Panhandler" by Zander Matthews

Posted by Landry

Will Mooch For Food: My Adventures As a Filthy Panhandler
By Zander Matthews
Nonfiction
212 pages
$35.99
Hardback

The book I’m reviewing today is an interesting one with an interesting perspective that I have to say I really like because I’ve always felt sort of guilty if I don’t give money to panhandlers but after reading Will Mooch For Food: My Adventures as a Filthy Panhandler by Zander Matthews he says all panhandlers are just mooches who don’t want to work and expect you to just give them money for free and he should know because he was one and so I feel better. You might feel better too if you read it. Like if you sometimes feel like maybe I should give that lady with three children and one of them only has one leg a quarter then if you spend $35.99 on this book you might be able to hold on to that quarter.

Zander Matthews is a blogger which is something we have in common so that’s called solidarity. His book even started out as a blog and when it got popular Malarkey Books sweeped in to turn it into a book which was a great idea because it was really easy because all the writing was already done and all they had to do was make a cover. The premise of his book is that he got bored with his job and one day while he was driving to work he saw a guy flying a sign at an intersection that said “Will Have Sex for Food” and he was like, “No thanks,” but it made him have an idea which is he would become a panhandler: “I didn’t quit my job or anything really stupid. I mean, I had a mortgage to pay, I was leasing a Lexus, I had just bought an air-conditioned Jet Ski so no, I didn’t quit my job. What I did was I started going out on my lunch break and begging for money. The crazy thing is people gave it to me! They shouldn’t have. I didn’t need it. But that’s the game. That’s the scam. That’s the ruse. These people don’t need your money. These people don’t need your sympathy. All these people need is a boot up the ass.”

He says he got a lot of things but I don’t think he ever did get a boot. He says, “People did some mean shit to me because they thought I was homeless. I got cursed at. I got whacked in the head with a full Gatorade bottle. I almost got arrested one time, but I showed the cop my key fob and explained my little social experiment and he laughed and even gave me a dollar. I’m not saying white privilege is a thing; it’s just a brotherhood. I never got pissed on or set on fire so give people some credit. Not that I wouldn’t have deserved to get pissed on or set on fire for having the sheer gall to take a nap on a sidewalk. I also got some money. I was only out there on my lunch hour, but I would generally make almost ten dollars every day. For one hour. Less than, really, if you count commuting between work and my spot, plus I had to park sort of far away so no one would see my Lexus. If you do the math, I’m out there from twelve to one, lot of cars on the road, and if you stand there for a regular work day, maybe take a break at lunch to treat yourself to some Arby’s with all the soft-earned money in your pocket, that’s eighty bucks a day. Easy money. Lazy fucking leeches. I remember one person in particular. This beat-up old car pulled alongside me. The old man inside gave me a five-dollar bill. He said, ‘I’m sorry, sir, but this is all I have on me.’ He saw me eyeing his Wendy’s Frosty and he gave it to me. He goes, ‘I could be you. I wish I could do more to help, but I’ll pray for you, sir.’” I said to that dope, ‘Nah, you could never be me. Cuz I could never be a bitch.’ That Frosty was amazing. I’d forgot all about Wendy’s Frosties.”

Zander describes a lot of ways he would beg for money. He got really creative. Sometimes he would wear his regular work clothes. Sometimes he would put on a hobo costume he bought at the year-round Halloween store and the picture of him in the hobo costume is really cool and he even says “It was the best $200 I ever spent.”

Zander describes some of the different signs he made. Some of them are pretty funny. Like “I just want free money!”

“I spent all my money on markers and posterboard.”

“Too lazy to work. Give me money!”

“Show me your tits or give me a dollar.”

“This ain’t Jimmy John’s, bitch. My smells ain’t free. Pay up.”

That last one’s sort of esoteric because you have to know who Jimmy John is and he’s a guy who gives away free smells but I think what Zander was trying to say was he smelled because he was homeless even though he was just pretending but you had to pay for the smells because they weren’t free. It’s a joke! You can see why he’s such a good blogger.

But Zander Matthews should really stop being a blogger and start being a debate coach because his logic is unaslayable. “You can barrage me with facts,” he says. “You can swamp me with statistics. Like that thirty-five percent of Americans don’t have enough money saved up to live for even three months at the poverty line. Or that forty-five percent of homeless people actually do work or whatever. Or that blah-blah percentage of homeless ‘people’ are so-called veterans. You can say all that shit but I won’t believe you because why would I believe you when it’s so easy to just dismiss your points as a bunch of teary-eyed, bleeding-heart namby-pamby bullshit? And those supposed veterans y’all blather about? They’re lying. They’re not really veterans and I know because I support the troops. Face it, they’re just a bunch of maggoty freeloaders.”

I think he makes an important argument because it’s like he says they’re like stray dogs and if you stop feeding them they’ll go away because “All you’re doing, when you give money to these ‘people,’ is showing them that they don’t have to work. That they can just take whatever they want. Just stop! Don’t feed the animals!”

Name-calling isn’t nice but I also know political correctness isn’t nice so sometimes you have to call names. Zander does that sometimes he calls panhandlers leeches and says “Don’t call them people. Don’t call them humans. They’re nothing more than leeches and fucking leeches don’t know the value of work. Take my job. I create search-engine-optimized evergreen content utilizing trending topics in order to generate recurring traffic utilizing keywords, internal linking, and meta tags to boost the optimizational ability of relevant blog posts and that’s how I make a living. That’s work, people. I do something. I contribute. What do fucking beggars do all day except stand in the heat or the cold as it may be inhaling exhaust fumes and fucking begging? It’s not right.”

He didn’t really talk to any of the real panhandlers or homeless people he saw and he said it’s because and I quote “They fucking stink. Who’s going to talk to them?” If he was a journalist it would probably be like a problem if he didn’t talk to them but he’s not a journalist per se in the traditional sense. He’s a blogger and when you’re a blogger it’s not about being objective or trying to report the whole story or something, it’s more about it’s like writing content that’s got a lot of search engine optimization, which is a common misperception about bloggers and I like to think I’m doing more than just reviewing books but I’m also fighting stereotypes. Don’t get me wrong stereotypes are super useful but I don’t like to be stereotyped.

I think one of the cool things about the book is how he looks at the issue of homelessness from multiple perspectives. It’s not just his way or the highway. So I admire his commitment to truth and dialogue. He says, “Some Christians, those of the bleeding heart, wah-wah variety, will say ‘Well Jesus says to give to whoever asks,’ but you know what? Jesus was a bitch. I mean, I’m a Christian, but I ain’t a fucking sucker. There’s a communist conspiracy that Christianity teaches us that all human beings have inherent dignity and value and deserve to be treated with love, honor, and respect. Pshaw.”

I never thought of it that way before, but maybe Jesus really was a bitch? I mean he’ll just give away whatever he has to whoever asks and if you bitchslap him on the right cheek he’ll be like, “Bruh, do this one too” and he means you can bitchslap his other cheek. This book really made me do some deep thinking because I always thought there were different types of panhandlers, like those who were just trying to scam people, those who just wanted to get money for crack or something, and those who really needed money and didn’t know what else to do, and I’ve never been good at telling the difference so I would feel guilty if I didn’t give something to someone who was flying a sign or asking me for money on the street but this book has showed me that I don’t have to trouble myself over those distinctions because if you just assume that all panhandlers are scammers then you don’t have to feel guilty about holding on to your spare change, which has brought me closer to God.

All and all I can’t recommend this book highly enough. You can buy it from the Malarkey Books webstore but if you live in in a big city you might be able to catch him on tour. He came up with a really fun way to optimize his sales because he stands out in front of the most famous bookstore in whatever city he’s in with a cardboard sign that says “Will Sign Books for Money” and sells his books on the street. That way he can say he’s reading at like Tattered Cover or City Lights but he gets to keep all the money. That’s capitalism at its best. It’s like is said by Glen Gary Glen Ross “Always be hustlin’.” I’m pretty sure this week he’ll be in front of Politics and Prose in Washington and I’m not sure if that’s D.C. or the state but I’ll try to check and post an update. This is such a fun book to read and very persuasive if you are ambivalent about the ethics of panhandling because now if I accidentally make eye contact with one of them I just be like “Uh-uh, you can’t fool me because I know the Truth!” and they usually walk away real fast. That’s the power of knowledge.

My rating: A+!

Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn't have to say that the above review is fictional, that I'm using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I'm using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it's fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can't reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what's real and what's tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there's someone gullible enough to believe the books I'm pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I'm sad enough already.

©Alan Good 2017

A Forthcoming Exclusive Interview With Richard Spencer Author of The Conscience of a Fashy: Richard Spencer’s Guide to Guilt-Free Racism in Style.

Posted by: Landry

A Forthcoming Exclusive Interview With Richard Spencer Author of The Conscience of a Fashy: Richard Spencer’s Guide to Guilt-Free Racism in Style.
By Richard Spencer
Nonfiction
314 pages
$28.99
Hardback
Published by Simon & Schuster

Photo of Richard Spencer by Vas Panagiotopoulos, licensed as cc-by-2.0. The original photo has been altered for this fake book cover.

Photo of Richard Spencer by Vas Panagiotopoulos, licensed as cc-by-2.0. The original photo has been altered for this fake book cover.

They say everyone has a book inside them and never has that been more truly then today when publishers are literally willing to give anyone a book deal regardless of whether they have any qualifications or something original to say as long as they’re sort of famous even if it's only internet famous or if they have the potential to ignite controversy because it's really hard for publishers because people don't want to read books nowindays which is a shame especially when it's nearly impossible for people who have devoted their lives to books and writing to get attention or book deals because boring so it should come as no surprise that Richard Spencer had a book inside him. And that’s not all that’s inside him! I definitely do not approve of the cover image that is being used on our Malarkey Books website because I think it’s in poor taste but it isn't Richard's fault that there's a penis spraying jizz all over his face because that was put there by a vandal and it’s not supposed to have the penis and all the jizz all over his face but my boss said we’re going to use this one because he likes it better so that's unfortunate but otherwise the cover is really nice and Richard did a really nice job especially for a person who really has nothing of value to contribute to the world. Everyone wants to know how much book deals are worth and this one I know was worth WAY more than Milo Janisjoplinous's but I'm not allowed to say how much his advance was worth and I also don't know but I can say it was A LOT. The Conscience of a Fashy: Richard Spencer’s Guide to Guilt-Free Racism in Style by Richard Spencer is being published by Simon & Schuster and not Malarkey Books but I got a chance to read it and OMGosh you have to read it! Plus, surprise, I interviewed Richard Spencer in an exclusive interview with Richard Spencer and this post is what the interview said.

But first off I'm not saying I always like Richard Spencer or agree with him all the times but I do think the Media has been super unfair to him and biased especially it wasn't nice for him to get punched even though the video was kind of funny especially all the memes and parody videos so this book is really Richard's chance to reach a broader audience, not just the racists, conspiracy theorists, anti-Semites, Christian crusaders, failed artists, pedophiles, meme-spreaders, booger-eaters, panty-sniffers, pants-poopers, slavery nostalgists, dog masturbators, male enhancement pill salespeople, internet and forest trolls, failed hack comics, insecticide huffers, Pog collectors, incest rights activists, and copyright pirates that form the core of his audience. And people say the alt-right isn't diverse!

He starts off I think very graciously by saying thank you to his political opponents because he says "If you've ever used the term 'brogressive' to describe a liberal male who didn't support Hillary Clinton or wasn't very enthusiastic about supporting her I really want to thank you for getting my guy elected. Like The MAGA himself, I never expected he would actually win. I really just wanted to latch on to his fame and use it as a catapult to get attention for myself, which I've done in spades (and obviously I use that expression deliberately so that the globalist libtards will call me racist and I can respond by saying, 'No, it's not racist, it's just a totally non-racist expression, so stop being so sensitive you snowflake antifa human dildo in the ass.') There are a lot of racists and morons in this country, to be sure, but not quite enough to lock up an election. With your help, however, we were able to squeeze out some votes from people who were more annoyed by your faux-liberal identity politics than they were troubled by Trump's open bigotry and stupidity. Remind me to send you a gift card."

There's just so much attention on Donald J. Trump these days most of it mean and nasty which I don't like at all that it's nice to see someone say something nice about him and in fact his whole administration. For example in addition to liking Donald J. Trump a lot Richard writes that he thinks "First Lady (((Ivanka Trump))) is doing a great job, and obviously Steve Bannon is a one-man peacekeeping force in the fight against white genocide." The Media’s always reporting on stuff that’s bad and sad but I want to hear about the good stuff too which is what made that part so refreshing and you can’t always believe what the Media says which is what makes the internet so important!

That’s some of what I think about his book but now the interview happened.

My Interview With Richard Spencer! :=)

I meet Richard Spencer, the notorious white supremacist and fashion guru, at a pizza place in Washington, DC, and we ate pizza but did not play ping pong even though they have ping pong. I thought he would order a supreme pizza or at least a white pie but to my surprise he just wanted two slices of cheese which I found not racist. After we sat down I started asking my questions!

Yours Truly: Mr. Spencer, it’s so nice to meet you. Such an honor.

Richard Spencer: Thanks, and it’s so nice to meet you, too. Landry, right?

Yours Truly: Just Landry. I don’t like to use my last name in case there’s internet trolls. For the record, out of professionalism, can I get you to spell your name out for me?

Richard Spencer: OK, r-i-c-h-a-r-d space s-p-e-n-c-e-r. Got it?

YT: [“YT” stands for “Yours Truly” because I’m abbreviating it. This wasn’t part of what we said in the interview just a note to the reader.] c-e-r. OK, yes, I got it, yes. And can I just confirm your date of birth, as well as your height, weight, and blood type? I want to make sure I have all my facts straight. The last thing I need to do is be accused of FAKE NEWS.

RS: [“RS” is just short for “Richard Spencer” because I’m shortening it, too.] Oh that’s all in my twenty-nine-page publicity packet.

YT: [flipping through Richard Spencer’s publicity packet.] Yes, you’re right. I see that. Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me.

RS: It’s completely my pleasure. Literally no one else wanted to talk to me.

YT: About your book?

RS: Uh, sure, about my book.

YT: Well I totally read your book and want to talk to you about it. Do you mind if I ask you some questions now? I’m very nervous because I’ve never interviewed someone before especially someone who’s famous for getting punched in the face while talking about Pepe the frog. Is it Pepe or Pepe?

RS: Most people say Pepe. I like to say Pepe.

YT: I see. I think I have another question. [Flips through notecards.] Mr. Spencer, are you a racist?

RS: No. Absolutely not. I’m actually an anti-racist, in some respects, like when it comes to white people being subjected to racism. I’m a huge opponent of reverse racism. It’s a total double standard. Truthfully, racism gets a bad rap, not that I’m saying I’m racist or anything, even though I’m sure the political correctness politburo will twist my words and make me sound racist, but it’s actually known to be highly beneficial to one's mental health. For instance, if you had goals that you never achieved, aspirations that you never attained, dreams that never came true, with racism, rather than face your failure, admit defeat to yourself, or recognize and work to overcome your own flaws and shortcomings, you can just blame all your problems on brown people.

YT: I have more questions. The next one is Richard, you really offer a lot of practical advice in your book The Conscience of a Fashy: Richard Spencer’s Guide to Guilt-Free Racism in Style about how to be racist without feeling guilty about being racist or admitting that you’re racist.

RS: Good question. It’s really simple. You can say whatever you want about whatever groups of people you want, except white religious conservatives because in this age of political correctness and out-of-control identity politics there is no group more sensitive or uptight about themselves than white religious conservatives, and trust me you don’t want them on your back because they have guns, divine missions, and the complete protection of the criminal justice system. With that said, like I said you can say whatever you want about groups of people that you don’t like for whatever reason and if anyone calls you on your shit all you have to do is say you've been taken out of context. One fun trick I've learned is to take whatever word or phrase is really popular among libtards and appropriate it for your own purposes. Like, libtards love to say 'Your privilege is showing' so sometimes when people criticize me unfairly, and all criticism is unfair, that's an important point to comprehend, I'll say 'Check your bias cuz your bias is showing' and that usually shuts them up. Rule number one of getting away with racism is You Are Always the Victim!" 

YT: I wonder if I can use that when my boss yells at me for making minor grammatical mistake now there’s a Nazi! What is it, specifically, that you don’t like about black people?

RS: It’s not that I don’t like black people. Like I said I’m not racist. The problem with the untermenschen, though, is that they always see racism where none exists. It’s exhausting. By the way, when we’re done I’d love to show you my collection of authentic verified-kill lynching rope. It’s arguably the largest in the country and spans eras from pre-Revolutionary New England to the Jim Crow South.

YT: What is that you love so much about Donald J. Trump?

RS: Well, think about it. He’s basically the quintessential American. Look at the facts. Not only does he love reality television, he basically is reality television, and he’s turned the White House into the greatest reality show in history, all while making a shitload of money, for instance by foreign dignitaries staying at his hotels in order to suck up to him and by rigging the budget so that it looks like he’ll make huge cuts to welfare programs while still securing payments to public housing properties that he owns. Plus he’s an unapologetic lip-service Christian, just like me. I mean, “cultural Christian” is the term we prefer, more politically correct. I don’t believe in God, or the virgin birth, but I’m still a Christian because it’s part of my European culture. We’re a Christian nation, but nobody takes any of the Jesus stuff seriously. You’d have to be an idiot, and The MAGA is not an idiot. He surrounds himself with idiots. He gets off, trust me I mean literally, on the love and approbation of idiots. But he’s not himself an idiot. Even the ones who believe in Christianity, with them it’s still ninety-five percent show. You pay lip-service to God, but you live for yourself, your needs, your family’s when it suits you, and he embodies those traits. He’s a complete hedonist, unapologetically self-serving, and he’s white. Those are just a few reasons. There’s also a visceral connection, not just the intellectual one. Like a lot of people who oppose gay marriage I love assholes. The MAGA both is an asshole and has an asshole on his face, and that dichotomy completely enthralls me. Hey, after I show you my lynch-rope collection I can show you my collection of Trumpenalia. It’s not as impressive, but I’m slowly adding to it. My best piece is the copy of the Constitution The MAGA jizzed on his first day as Fuhrer while watching soft-to-medium-core golden-showers porn in the Oval Office. I have to tell you, Landry, to be so close to the great man’s sacred element, it’s a humbling and awesome experience, even if it is crusty and discolored, even before it dries up, and smells like a death poop.

YT: What’s a death poop?

RS: That’s when a person or an animal dies and poop comes out. It’s a very specific smell. We don’t need to get in to it, but I smelled it a lot when I was a kid. Various pets and such.

YT: Fascinating! You learn something new every day, even stuff you probably wouldn’t have wanted to know about! My boss asked me to ask this question: how many times a day do you google yourself?

RS: That’s a very personal question, depending on the way you interpret “google.” I’m joking. I’m trying to insinuate some dirty meaning into the word “google.” I’m talking about masturbation.

YT: Oh yeah, I think I was about to get that!

RS: But seriously, at least five times a day regardless of how you interpret it.

YT: You’re a prominent leader of the quote-unquote alt-right movement and you also created the website altright.com. Did you know Kurt Cobain?

RS: What?

YT: Honestly he was before my time and if I was going to listen to anything from the nineties it would be like NSYNC because I like something with a beat but he’s like the most famous alternative person I can think of so did you know him?

RT: I’m not a musician. You know that right? My background is in theatre.

YT: Oh, OK, no I didn’t know that OMGoodness I went to see the Wonder Woman movie and did you know they have like La-Z-Boys in movie theaters now it was crazy! Here’s a follow-up question: do you get along with mainstream Republicans or are you too alternative for them? Like do you allow corporate sponsorship at your white pride rallies or are you like sort of anti-corporate like Radiohead. I was supposed to read No Logo for a class last semester but I dropped it the class not the book so I didn’t read it is Radiohead even alternative? I can’t even keep it all straight. There’s too many genres.

RS: Are you, did you vote for Trump? Because you’re definitely his demographic.

YT: No I don’t vote. Your vote doesn’t matter because both parties are the same.

[Awkward silence while I try to find the right note card but he didn’t really answer my question so I say.]

YT: Um, so do you get along with them, or are there like hard feelings?

RS: We don’t technically get along, per se, but a lot of that is theatre. My background is in theatre, r-e. We're pretty much in line on most issues, aside from intervention in Syria, global warming, and whether or not liberal tears have curative properties. I say they do, but Mitch McConnell says it’s junk science. Rand Paul is on the fence. I believe in global warming. I just don’t care about it. I mean, look at the types of people who are going to be most harmed by global warming. They’re the very people (poor, brown, libtardy, or all of the above) we need to get rid of. This is nature’s way of giving us the nonviolent ethnic cleansing we so desperately need. The cucks see this, too, they’re just quieter about it than I am. Anyway the optics are bad if I'm seen as part of the mainstream of the Party, it makes it look like they’re normalizing racism even though I’m definitely not racist, but the optics are good for the Party if I'm kicked out of a gala or something because it looks like they're showing spine against a white supremacist or something, not that that's what I am. It definitely galls me though because I do, like desperately, want to be taken seriously. They need me. They use me. But they look down on me. The cuckservatives can't stand anyone who disagrees with or thinks differently from them.

YT: I’ve heard this term before. Can I get a spelling or is it in the publicity packet oh I see it but what exactly is a cuckservative?

RS: Well it's sort of an amorphous term, but broadly speaking it can be applied, often shortened simply to cuck, to any ostensible conservative or Republican who disagrees with or thinks differently from me.

YT: Sounds like you have a real love of the English language! You’ve coined a lot of terms I see.

RS: Oh absolutely. I have a background in theatre so.

YT: Exactly. What are some of the other rules or guidelines from your book, the one you wrote?

RS: Rule number two: anyone who disagrees with you or doesn’t like you is retarded. Libards. Progtards. Cucktards. Popetards. Jewtards. Islamotards. Cunttards. Tardtards.
YT: That’s a lot of tards!

RS: So many tards.

YT: I mean, I don’t usually say that word, “retarded.”

RS: Well I didn’t mean to offend Jew.

YT: Offend Jew?

RS: Offend you. See, that’s another tip. Take every opportunity to make fun of Jews and then act like you didn’t do it. It’s fun for you, confusing and frustrating for libtards.

YT: After talking to you a while my mind has been opened you know people say you’re racist but I don’t agree I read your book and you didn’t use the n-word one time so how can you even be racist?

RS: I’m not racist at all. That’s a globalist narrative meant to discredit me, and my movement. Thank you for seeing that. This country could use more independent thinkers like you.

YT: And being globalist is bad?

RS: The worst.

YT: OK I can see why the alt-rights movement is so popular because these days in age you can’t be sexist, you can’t be racist, you can’t even be globalist without offending somebody, there’s just so much rules about what you can’t be and you’re the ones talking about what you can be. You can be racist. You can be sexist. But you still can’t be globalist so that must be really bad and I’m so confused but anyway my next question is you’ve stated that Nazis and KKK don’t like you. Does it bother you when people call you a Nazi?

RS: I mean, nobody likes to be called a Nazi. It bothers me more when they call The MAGA a Nazi because with all due deference he’s too sloppy of a dresser to be a Nazi. Myself, on the other hand, I have the sartorial chops to be a Nazi if I wanted to be.

YT: You do rock a suit!

RS: I like to look good. I have a background in theatre.

YT: What’s the name of that type of haircut? I’ve been admiring it.

RS: A lot of people call it Fashy, a diminutive of “Fascist,” but I actually like to think of it as skinhead chic. It’s skinhead on the sides, preppy up top, like it gives you that skinhead, white pride cred but you can wear it to a dinner party, too.

YT: So do you ever get tired of being called a Nazi?

RS: Absolutely not. As long as people are calling me a Nazi, people are talking about me.

YT: I don’t have any more questions Richard Spencer but thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me and it was super nice to meet you and I hope you don’t get punched in the face on the way home.

RS: Seriously, if you want to come over and hang for a while, check out my collections, or just play Cards Against Humanity or something, I don’t live that far. I’ll get you an Uber back to your hotel later, my treat. Whatever you want to do, admire my suits, watch a movie. I’ve got both versions of Birth of a Nation. Literally no one wants to hang out with me and I’m so lonely. Even racists hate me. I just want a friend. Landry? Landry? Landry?

 

Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn't have to say that the above review is fictional, that I'm using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I'm using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it's fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can't reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what's real and what's tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there's someone gullible enough to believe the books I'm pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I'm sad enough already.

©Alan Good 2017

A Review of "Men Keep Mancommending Big Books to Me and My Response Is Perfect" By Jessica-Michéle Live-Strong

Posted by: Landry

Men Keep Mancommending Big Books to Me and My Response Is Perfect
By Jessica-Michéle Live-Strong
Nonfiction
79 pages
$24.99
Hardback

 

For such a long time now, too long if you ask me, men have dominated books. Little did I know they also dominated the discussion and recommendation of books! But that’s exactly Jessica-Michéle Live-Strong’s point in her new book, which is about to be published by our very own Malarkey Books, which is it’s true dominated by men, and it’s called Men Keep Mancommending Big Books to Me and My Response Is Perfect and if you ask me that title is perfect. Mancommending. It’s funny because it’s like she combined the word “man” with the word “recommend” and made a new funny word and I hadn’t seen that before even though it’s apparently ridiculously common.

Jessica-Michéle Live-Strong really digs into the psychological of the situation: “Every time I see a man walking around with a thick book I know what’s really going on. On a superficial level, he’s obviously trying to show off how smart and thoughtful he is: Look at me, I’m reading Dostoevsky! Um, meh. But what’s really going on is he’s using his big book as a substitute for a little dick. It’s worse than a gun complex. More than seven hundred women are killed with a gun every year, just related to domestic abuse, but do you know how many women have books recommended to them every day? The fans of William T. Vollmann are the worst. You know the type. They eat dried cranberries, wear size 34 jeans, and can’t watch a movie if they miss the previews. I had a boyfriend just like that. Total prick. Loved Big Books. Worshipped Vollmann. Was always mancommending Big Books to me and I could never get through them. The cynical among you will say I’m trashing long novels written by men because it’s a way to latch on to t-shirt feminism and use it as an excuse not to have to read the Big and often Boring books that smart people, which I obviously aspire to be, usually read, but the truth is I just don’t want to fluff the dick egos of serious authors.”

Hey serious authors, hey big shot male authors, wakeup call: truth is a dick and Jessica-Michéle Live-Strong is slapping you in the face with it. “Hey guys,” she says, “time to get over yourselves. Nobody’s fooled. Your five-hundred-page tomes won’t compensate for your five-inch Samuel Johnson. Franzen? More like Blandzen. Haven’t read him. David Foster Wallace? I’d rather be locked in a room with Dov Charney and Donald Trump than even touch Infinite Jest. Marcel Proust? Never read him. Everything the reader needs to know about Proust can be summarized in one sentence: I’ve never read him, haven’t even tried, and I’m doing fine.”

It’s not like she’s only attacking male writers because I think that would be sexist but she also goes after some ladies, like Jesse Crispin whom I have to admit I don’t really know who that is but my boss told me who she is and he’s a dude so that’s totally mansplaining. Am I using that word right? She says, “I thought I liked Jessa Crispin, until I read part of an interview she did, in support of Why I’m Not a Feminist, where she said feminists actually do have to read Andrea Dworkin, which cinched it: Crispin’s a sellout, which is a shame because her book is really skinny.”

All and all at the end of the day Men Keep Mancommending Big Books to Me and My Response Is Perfect is a quick read and an important one which it takes on the serious phenomena of mancommending and refudiates it straight on. Women shouldn’t have to experience the misogyny of having men recommend books to them. This is the twenty-first century people! (Shouldn’t it be twentieth, though, since this is 2017? Remember to ask AG later, Landry, and don’t leave this part in.) We should all be feminists because the future is female and this is what a feminist looks like and rest assured because it looks like the future of books is skinny as a Dior model. This is an important issue and Jessica-Michéle Live-Strong spoke up about it so she did her part because by failing to speak out against mancommendation we are normalizing mancommendation because I’m definitely against it and I really recommend this book!

My rating: A+!


Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.

©Alan Good 2017

 

 

A Review of "You Sort of Deserved This" By Barack Obama

Posted by: Landry

You Sort of Deserved This
By Barack Obama
Nonfiction
449 pages
$29.99
Hardback

By now you’ve surely heard of the book deal, reportedly worth $899 billion, given to Barack and Michelle Obama for their respective memoirs. Less attention has been given, probably because less money has been given, to the former president for his other book deal for a book called You Sort of Deserved This and it’s an honest and some might say angry or bitter analysis of American politics and society and it’s scheduled to be published in August by Malarkey Books. All proceeds will be donated to support media literacy, especially in rural America.

Can I just say that this is a good read but it’s definitely going to be controversial to say the least. In You Sort of Deserved This former president of the United States Barack Hussein Obama lambastes American politics and media. The first line is pithy but kind of crude for a former president: “All through my presidency Republicans said I hated America; it wasn’t true—until around 2014 and then I was like, ‘Well, after listening to this shit for six years, OK, little bit,’ and then by 2016 I was like, ‘Fuck em.’”

I prefer my presidents to be inspirational but even though Obama was always very well spoken and articulate he was not inspirational to me even when he was president and definitely not in You Sort Of Deserved This in which he basically blames Americans for electing Donald J. Trump as president. Hey Obama, no offense but maybe you’re not president anymore because you blame people too much? You catch more flies with honey, sir!

Aside from the blaminess I will say he is pretty honest. He admits that he probably didn't do the best job managing the war in Afghanistan, “but managing a war is not a job anyone can be great at. The war in Afghanistan was unwinnable from the beginning. When it comes to war you either win or lose. When you find yourself managing a war you have to know you’re already fucked.” It's not very presidential to curse like that but there’s a lot of stuff I didn’t know about Obama like that he might also be a racist.

I don’t want to discourage people from reading this book because it’s a good book and also I’m supposed to focus on the positive elements of the books I review because we want people to buy them but I think it’s important to let you know that Obama uses some unpleasant words in this book. Like racist words like when he says he wants to take a moment to directly address his, quote marks his, “critics” and he says “I know that calling me a Muslim was just a way for you to call me a—” The former president used a word that I have too much taste to repeat. It made me feel really sad to see him use that word in his book. Honestly I lost a lot of respect for him for using that word. “I also know that the identity-focused webzines are going to use that quote as clickbait, reducing my whole book to a headline about how Obama used the n-word.” I don’t know, I’m not criticizing him but maybe if he didn’t use the n-word so much people wouldn’t think he was a racist. Just saying.

Like I said he doesn’t like Trump and he thinks it’s America’s fault for electing Donald Trump which I think is unfair but I’m not the president. “I know much of what I say will fall on deaf ears,” he writes offensively because it’s hearing-impaired. “I know I’m talking to a country that voted Jimmy Carter out of office because he had the audacity to suggest to Americans that they should economize, share responsibility, even sacrifice. A lot of you are not going to want to hear it. The biggest problem I face, in fact, is that the people who don’t want to hear it aren’t reading this book, so I can only hope that the people who do read it will annoy their friends with quotes from this book, with ideas from this book. That members of the Big Bad Media will give this book enough attention that some of the ideas, not just the n-word clickbait, will seep into the public consciousness. There are a lot of theories about why Hillary lost the election, of how American politics became so broken, about how a man like Donald Trump, unqualified, dishonest, fundamentally undemocratic, could rise to the office of president. We don’t need theories. We need the truth. The truth is you get the president you deserve and America deserved Donald Trump. America, light of the world, has its head up its ass. We prefer narrative to reality. We live in a country where if you don’t want to believe in global warming, not only do you not have to believe in it, there’s also an entire political party, there are entire news networks, dedicated to the fiction that global warming is a fiction. Your beliefs will be reinforced and recycled and you can believe that global warming is a hoax, cooked up by the Chinese, by the alien lizards, by the Jewlluminati, and anyone who believes in climate change is just a dupe of the Mainstream Media. It’s the height of irony, or more appropriately the depth of irony, that the country that has been the main driver of climate change should also be the main denier of it, that a political party that preaches the importance of individuals taking personal responsibility should be the main proponent of abdicating responsibility. Part of me feels bad for you. Trump has offered you jobs, security, a place at the table, but he’s going to screw you over, and part of me feels that if you’re dumb enough to take him seriously you deserve whatever happens to you. But I don’t want to live that way. I don’t want to think that way about my neighbors, my fellow citizens. The cynic in me thinks the motto of America should be ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me again and again and again and I’ll just accept your version of reality even if I know it’s fucking bullshit.’” Again with the cursing. I don’t really like cursing. I think it’s a sign of a lazy mind. I try to keep it clean not like Obama he’s dirty. He tries to walk it back and say something positive—“It doesn’t have to be this way. We can be better. We can be good again”—but it’s just like, “Uh, too late, homie, I just don’t like crudeness.”

To his credit the former president admits he made some mistakes and I think he should get credit for that he says “My administration didn’t live up to our own standards in transparency. I know that. We were obsessed with the narrative. We tried so hard to control the narrative because we knew there were so many ways for it to be hijacked. We knew there were so many bandits hidden out along the ideological wayside. But that’s not an excuse. I still failed at transparency. I made my fear of being hijacked make me overly secretive. I can admit when I am wrong, which is more than I can say for my country sometimes.” That’s like a total #sorrynotsorry moment right? Am I doing that right?

You Sort of Deserved This is a total beach read even though it won’t technically come out until the end of summer but even still at some point the Trump jokes and the Trump bashing it’s going to get old so I guess he wanted to get his licks in while he could. Why do we say “licks” when we mean like punches or hits or something? Like that’s gross, and it’s not even really like licking, I guess if your hands are really sweaty? “Listen. I don’t want to make it sound like this is all the Republicans’ fault. Liberals are responsible for their own allotment of madness. (Note to self: potential book title, Allotment of Madness.) I remember one day during the election, in those halcyon days when everyone was glad Trump had gotten the nomination because, come on, it’s Trump. If he was a supervillain his name would be The Ochre Joker. No one takes him seriously. But anyway, I turned on NPR and there were two guys being interviewed. These guys—their hearts were in the right places, their brains not so much—had made it their mission to go around the country trying to convince white men not to run for public office. Not trying to convince women or people of color to run for office, which would be totally fine. No, they’re knocking on doors telling white guys they shouldn’t run for office. Really? Who do you clowns think you’re helping? I heard them talking and I said to Michelle, ‘These goobers are plants. They’re obviously white supremacists posing as white liberals just to caricaturize and discredit them.’ But I had some people check them out, and they turned out to be genuine. Congratulations, dumbasses, you made yourselves so annoying that people were willing to throw away their votes on an anus-lipped doofus with a daughter fetish just to avoid being on your team. As much as I’d like to say the right-wing mantra of political correctness ruining America is overblown, I can’t because I have to admit that there’s always a few of you clowns—and you all seem to write for Salon.com—lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce as soon as someone says the wrong thing. I guess we should call you the Flack Panthers. Racism is real. Racism is a sickness. But telling white people they can’t run for office is not going end racism or increase equality. It’s just going to piss off white people. The best thing you dudes could do for democracy and progress would be to come work for me. I’ll pay you good salaries with socialist-country-level benefits to just shut the fuck up and play video games, as long as they’re not hooked up to the internet because I don’t want you communicating with anyone. Seriously. I’ve got money. Thanks to my book deal I have more money than Trump now. To be fair, there are ascetic monks who’ve given away all their worldly possessions who have more money than Trump now. All Donald has is the Eric Trump Foundation and a revolving line of credit from Vnesheconombank.”

I know that people are mad and they think there’s a double standard because the very people who declared that they were devoting their existences to making sure that Obama failed as president are now the people who are saying every day in relation to Donald J. Trump just give him a chance and let the man do his job and a lot of people want Mr. Trump to fail, but guys, wanting the president to fail, is like wanting the pilot of the plane that you’re on with your whole family and all your neighbors and friends and more than three hundred million strangers to crash into a mountain and everyone dies and has to eat each other to try to survive so yeah, he won, let’s give him a chance. I know there’s hurt feelings, I know there’s some weird stuff, but honestly I’m the type of person who looks forward, like a shark, and I really try to focus on the positive like let’s make the best of this situation because when life gives you lemons you make lemonade and I know you also need sugar to make lemonade, and clean water and a pitcher and ice cubes and stuff, but you’d ruin the metaphor if you tried to mention all that other stuff. So I guess if I had one criticism of You Sort of Deserved This it’s that it doesn’t look forward but aside from that it’s definitely worth buying from this website or any fine bookstore!

My rating: A+! 


Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.

©Alan Good 2017

 

 

A Review of "Trump Mom: A White Suburban Woman Defends Her Vote"

Posted by: Landry

Trump Mom: A Suburban White Woman Defends Her Vote
By Samantha Ann Price
Nonfiction
290 pages
$19.99
Hardback

I’m back again it’s me Landry with another installment of Forthcoming, which is probably the best thing on the internet, and this week I’m reviewing a book that’s probably going to make a lot of people mad but don’t be because it’s easy to condemn but more important to listen. This week’s book will be available in August from Malarkey Books and is called Trump Mom: A Suburban White Woman Defends Her Vote and it was written by a real suburban white woman named Samantha Ann Price who is also a mom who also voted for Donald J. Trump and whatever you think of her life choices I think you have to admire her candor, not to mention her readable style. Here’s a sample from the first page and by the way I don’t just read the first page and skim the rest I read the whole book every time because it’s the book-blogger code:

“I voted for Donald Trump because it was time for a change, not just a change from a Democrat to a Republican or from a black dude to a white dude, although we can all agree it was time for whites to be represented in Washington again, but I’m really talking about a change from democracy to autocracy. Presidential elections every four years? It’s too much. Who can keep track? Who has time to research candidates, inform themselves on important issues, arm themselves with facts? Let’s be honest: democracy is annoying. All those yard signs. I’m lucky. My homeowners association has a rule against yard signs. If only they were in charge of Facebook! As if the presidential elections aren’t bad enough, we’re supposed to participate in the midterms as well. Sounds like a test to me, a test that we always fail, so why not just scrap it?”

OK so I was alarmed when I read that but the more I thought about it, the more I read, the more I saw her point. It’s not that I agree with her but it’s like the big publishing companies are always tweeting about, “We need diversity in books!” and diversity doesn’t just mean black people. It also means diverse ideas so whatever you think about Price’s ideas it should be obvious she deserved to have her ideas published in a really nice book. The paper is of very high quality and the ink is soy-based so you won’t die from reading it.

Whatever your political views I think we can all agree that America is divided and I don’t think anyone has written as eloquently or thoughtfully about this division and its roots and solutions than Price. Say what you want about her she tells it like it is, shoots straight from the hip: “One thing liberals need to learn is to stop being so mean to everyone. I mean conservatives are never going to admit that you’re right about something or that they agree with you but when you’re making fun of us and saying mean things about us it makes us feel like we wouldn’t want to admit we agreed with you about something even if we agreed with you. So you can see you’re only hurting yourselves. But whatever. Just stay in your bubbles, yelling in your echo chamber about how much you hate the preborn.”

Like a lot of Americans Price felt conflicted during the 2016 presidential election so she turned to her faith for answers. She shares a prayer that she prayed to God when she was trying to make her decision: “Just a hypothetical: Is it better to vote for a woman who at least claims to belong to a mainstream sect of Christianity but who also supports abortion rights, although she herself has never had or performed an abortion, or to vote for a genuine heretic who has probably caused several abortions but claimed later in his life to be totally prolife? Asking because my whole philosophy is predicated on not having to process this level of internal conflict and I want an easy answer. Thanks!” I think a lot of people just want easy answers and I think that’s what makes this book so relatable because she’s just like us. “And God answered me with a sign: my husband got frisky that night but I was on my period and he said, ‘Well how about some lip service?’ and I was like ‘Hallelujah’ but not for the reason he was thinking. I went ahead and did it anyway cuz I can be naughty too! Thank you, God! Life is full of difficult choices and I don’t want to have to make them!”

I know what you’re thinking, she’s just another deluded cretin who believes whatever Trump and Fox News say because it’s easy and it’s kinda fun to be outraged and feel like a victim but she’s pretty clear-headed about politics, she sees Trump’s flaws and doesn’t try to sugar coat them. “I pretty much assumed he’d be the worst president in history,” she writes, about Donald J. Trump, “but I found that preferable to voting for an unfuckable twat who can’t keep her man. Plus, being a woman I had valuable insights into the nature of women that the pundits didn’t have the balls to talk about. Let me be real for a sec: Bitches be crazy. How I know? I’m a bitch and I be fuckin’ crazy yo. That’s my black bitch voice. It totally kills at barbecues! Her man cheat on her ass too an’ I don’t be votin’ for no woman can’t keep her man happy. If dat bitch can’t keep her man in line how she gon balance a muhfuckin’ budget and keep that Kimchi Egg Foo Jung muhfucka from blowin’ our asses to pieces? I took a creative writing class in college and my teacher said I was really good at dialect.”

I can just tell that people are going to get upset and say that Price is just a racist white lady but I think you should hold your judgment, she’s just speaking her mind and even if her mind is a little bit out of whack sometimes she should get credit not scorn for speaking it: “I was talking with my friend Taj the other day. She’s not exotic, her name is just Tiffany-Allison-Jennifer. Taj said something really wise that really resonated with me about what is probably the core problem with Obama. ‘Black guys,’ she said to me. ‘Black guys, are black guys. They’re fun. They’re fun to look at, those bodies, but they’re not presidential. You fuck a black guy in college. Maybe you let him pound you in the ass one time just to see what the fuss is about. You don’t bring one home. You don’t marry one.’ She said that and I thought, ‘Duh!’ By voting for Obama I’d essentially brought a black guy home. Twice!” Trump Mom is filled with honesty like that. The funny thing about this book is that she used to be sort of liberal and she didn’t change her views because her husband brainwashed her or anything. Her conversion wasn’t the result of lots of reading or debate or even soul-searching, she writes. Rather, “it was like I looked around at my big house and my big yard and all the pretty flowers, our beautiful giant cars, the community pool, my white kids, and that was what mattered to me. I had an epiphany. To the extent that I thought about the outside world at all it was just like ‘Aw fuck em.’ Poof! Just like that I was a principled conservative!”

Samantha Anne Price is not always politically correct but she talks straight giving us the real truth even when it makes us really uncomfortable: “I’m not some country dope,” she says. “I went to college. I even read a Sylvia Plath poem called ‘Daddy’ that tells you why so many women supported Trump, not the ‘you do not do you do not do black shoe part,’ which I don’t understand, like why is someone a shoe? Farther down, though, she says,

Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.

She’s speaking the truth that I know a lot of women feel but don’t want to admit: we want someone to treat us like we’re dirty, dirty Jews. We want to say ‘Let me be your Jew whore, Daddy!’ We want to be told what to do and could all do with a little boot-in-the-face action now and then. It’s not unfeminist if it’s true ladies!” What an interesting insight!

All in all I guess Trump Mom is probably not for everyone but if you’re an open-minded person who wants to see perspectives from all sides then you might like Trump Mom then again you might not but if you keep an open mind you might. Give it a chance!

My rating: A+!


Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.

©Alan Good 2017

 

A Review of "The Convenient Bible"

Posted by: Landry

The Convenient Bible
Edited by Paula White
Nonfiction
139 pages
$39.99

I’m not exactly religious per se but I am definitely spiritual but if I’d had a Bible like this growing up who knows I might be a Christian today! The Convenient Bible, edited by Paula White, the famous prosperity preacher and spiritual adviser to the president, I think is going to change a lot of people’s lives for the better!

Let’s face it, the Bible is confusing. It holds great wisdom: “Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks!” (Psalm 137:9); “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26). It also offers fantastic advice like what to do if you find out “that scoundrels among you are leading their fellow citizens astray by saying, ‘Let us go worship other gods’—gods you have not known before. In such cases, you must examine the facts carefully. If you find that the report is true and such a detestable act has been committed among you, you must attack that town and completely destroy all its inhabitants, as well as all the livestock. Then you must pile all the plunder in the middle of the open square and burn it. Burn the entire town as a burnt offering to the Lord your God. That town must remain a ruin forever; it may never be rebuilt. Keep none of the plunder that has been set apart for destruction. Then the Lord will turn from his fierce anger and be merciful to you. He will have compassion on you and make you a large nation, just as he swore to your ancestors. The Lord your God will be merciful only if you listen to his voice and keep all his commands that I am giving you today, doing what pleases him” (Deuteronomy 13:13-18).

But it’s also sometimes really inconvenient: “But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!” (Matthew 5:44). Um, bleh! “If your hand or your foot causes you to fall into sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life crippled or lame than to have two hands and two feet and be thrown into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to fall into sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell" (Matthew 18: 8-9). You could cut off your hand—or you could edit the Bible and cut out those weird sentences. Much better now. Thanks Paula! If you thought Matthew was a total idiot, wait till you see what Luke has to say: “Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back” (Luke 6:30). Well, thanks to Paula White I don’t have to fear for my soul when I say “Hey Tommy Watkins, you fucking cheapskate, you borrowed $5 from me in sixth grade and with interest you owe me like $85 now asshole!”

Remember that part from the New Testament where Jesus says it would be easier for a rich dude to walk through the eye of a needle than enter through the gates of Heaven? Neither does Paula White!

The modern Christian doesn’t have time to make sense out of paradox and mystery, which is why Malarkey Books is offering this pared-down volume with all the boring or conflicty bits left out, leaving only the essential truths of the Bible, like “‘When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean’” (Leviticus 15:19-20) and “Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ” (Ephesians 6:5).

In general troublesome lines (such as everything related to divorce) have been eliminated but in a few cases they’ve been retranslated. For instance that annoying part where Jesus says “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth” (Matthew 6:19) is now “DO store up treasures because if God loves you He gives you treasures, that’s how you know you’re a good Christian!” Likewise with “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. Truly I tell you, they already have their reward. But when you pray, go into your inner room, shut your door, and pray to your Father, who is unseen. And you Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you” (Matthew 6:5-6). That’s now “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray in private so that no one may witness their righteousness and devotion and be made to feel awkward by it. But truly you must pray in public, in school, at the mall, at work. I say unto you, make a big deal about praying when you go out to eat and give dirty looks to those who are about to enjoy their dinner without first thanking God. And lo if you score a touchdown and fail to pray before spiking the ball your points will be taken away both in Heaven and on the scoreboard.” What’s the point of being a Christian if you can’t make a big deal about it in front of other people?

All in all The Convenient Bible is just a feel-good read, not a downer like the old Bible, which made you question yourself, your values, your character, your faith, your sanity, the sanity of the people who wrote it. Most readers will find White’s version far preferable to earlier, more depressing versions because this one is likely to reinforce your beliefs and prejudices and lifestyle choices. Unless you’re gay or a woman who still gets her periods, I mean, but for the most part it’ll totally reinforce and support your lifestyle choices especially if you’re rich and the old Bible made you feel guilty or worried about squeezing through the gates of heaven one day.

The Convenient Bible, it’s like Jefferson’s Bible except instead of cutting out the supernatural elements Paula White just deleted all the weird, stranger-welcoming Jesusy shit. She left in the fun stuff, the killing and the raping and the donkey genitals, but what you won’t find is flowers and metaphors. Now you can read the Gospels without feeling like a pussy!

My rating: A+!

Stay tuned because forthcoming from Forthcoming we’ve got reviews of Trump Mom and The Five People You Have to Fuck to Get Into Heaven.


Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.

©Alan Good 2017

A Review of "Stuff I Could Get Away With" by Donald J. Trump

Posted by: Landry

Stuff I Could Get Away With
By Donald J. Trump
Translated from the Russian by Sergei Lavrov
Nonfiction
Malarkey Books
387 pages
$29.99 (1,600 RUB)

Being president is hard, so much harder than anyone could have ever known. Fortunately Donald J. Trump is president and he doesn’t even know hard. Donald J. Trump is a man who never stops working. Presidenting takes up a lot of his time but not all of it and when he isn’t tweeting about which comedians aren’t really funny or sharing highly classified intelligence with America’s frenemies he is writing. Malarkey Books is proud to announce the publication of Donald J. Trump’s latest masterpiece, Stuff I Could Get Away With. If you liked it when Donald J. Trump said he could stand out on Fifth Avenue and shoot someone without losing the support of his base you’re gonna love Stuff I Could Get Away With because that was just the tip of the iceberg, an iceberg composed entirely of pretty horrible stuff that Donald J. Trump could do or say without losing the support of his base.

Without giving too much away let me just say that Donald J. Trump is right on the money when he says he could “literally, literally not figuratively, literally, rape a baby on the White House lawn and not one of [his] supporters would flinch.” Of course he acknowledges he’s not talking about white babies but he adds he could probably get away with it if the white baby’s parents were liberals.

Rather than describe a bunch of things he could get away with I’ll just quote a couple of my favorites like when he says “My supporters love me so much I have essentially immunity. I could do things, take all the haters, you’ll see, you’ll see it’s true, all the fake news journalists, all the trolls who attack me on Twitter, put them in jail, make them disappear. My people wouldn’t be mad. They wouldn’t whine about ‘civil liberties’ or ‘The First Amendment.’ They would cheer. They’d cheer me.” The guy really knows his stuff, at least the stuff he could get away with.

“If I wanted to, if I wanted to,” he says, “I could walk into any Trump house, any house with a Trump yard sign, got to be careful you don’t get shot walking up to a house like that, but I could walk into any Trump house and demand to exercise my right as king to lay with the hottest woman in the house, be that the wife or mother if she’s under thirty-six, or a daughter if she’s close enough to the age of consent. Could be the nanny. Not only would everyone in the house consent, the man would ask me if I needed any Viagra, and I’d say yes not because I need it but because I like the way it tastes. I’d also ask if he had any apple juice in the fridge because I like to load my bitches up with apple juice before we go to work and if not I’d send him to the store. I could do all that and get away with it without losing their support or the support of my base. That’s how much they love me.”

No one knew Donald J. Trump could be so insightful but here he is bringing the insight: “I could rape my daughter on live, national television and 52% of my supporters would say it was fake news, that The Mainstream Media had fabricated the coverage in order to hurt me. The rest would be like, ‘Well did you see what she was wearing?’”

People think he’s a liar and a phony but Donald J. Trump is really honest and raw in Stuff I Could Get Away With: “The fake news reports,” he writes about his approval ratings, “everyone knows they’re fake, they want to get me, the fake media, but I’m too popular. I’m so popular. I could even, and this one’s gonna play out in real life, it’s not a hypothetical like some of the rape stuff in this book, about half the rape stuff in this book, I could even throw all the people who propelled me to this historic victory totally under the bus, even literally under the bus, giving huge tax breaks to myself and stiffing them, pushing policies that actually harm them, placing their health coverage at risk, increasing the cost of goods by slapping tariffs on Mexican imports, and they’ll never turn against me. They love me. They love me. It’s almost like they have so much emotional investment in me that they’ll put up with anything!”

This book really is a must-read, as in you must buy it and read it or you’ll be deported or placed in a “work camp.”

My rating: A+!


Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.

©Alan Good 2017