They say everyone has a book inside them and never has that been more truly then today when publishers are literally willing to give anyone a book deal regardless of whether they have any qualifications or something original to say as long as they’re sort of famous even if it's only internet famous or if they have the potential to ignite controversy because it's really hard for publishers because people don't want to read books nowindays which is a shame especially when it's nearly impossible for people who have devoted their lives to books and writing to get attention or book deals because boring so it should come as no surprise that Richard Spencer had a book inside him. And that’s not all that’s inside him! I definitely do not approve of the cover image that is being used on our Malarkey Books website because I think it’s in poor taste but it isn't Richard's fault that there's a penis spraying jizz all over his face because that was put there by a vandal and it’s not supposed to have the penis and all the jizz all over his face but my boss said we’re going to use this one because he likes it better so that's unfortunate but otherwise the cover is really nice and Richard did a really nice job especially for a person who really has nothing of value to contribute to the world. Everyone wants to know how much book deals are worth and this one I know was worth WAY more than Milo Janisjoplinous's but I'm not allowed to say how much his advance was worth and I also don't know but I can say it was A LOT. The Conscience of a Fashy: Richard Spencer’s Guide to Guilt-Free Racism in Style by Richard Spencer is being published by Simon & Schuster and not Malarkey Books but I got a chance to read it and OMGosh you have to read it! Plus, surprise, I interviewed Richard Spencer in an exclusive interview with Richard Spencer and this post is what the interview said.
But first off I'm not saying I always like Richard Spencer or agree with him all the times but I do think the Media has been super unfair to him and biased especially it wasn't nice for him to get punched even though the video was kind of funny especially all the memes and parody videos so this book is really Richard's chance to reach a broader audience, not just the racists, conspiracy theorists, anti-Semites, Christian crusaders, failed artists, pedophiles, meme-spreaders, booger-eaters, panty-sniffers, pants-poopers, slavery nostalgists, dog masturbators, male enhancement pill salespeople, internet and forest trolls, failed hack comics, insecticide huffers, Pog collectors, incest rights activists, and copyright pirates that form the core of his audience. And people say the alt-right isn't diverse!
He starts off I think very graciously by saying thank you to his political opponents because he says "If you've ever used the term 'brogressive' to describe a liberal male who didn't support Hillary Clinton or wasn't very enthusiastic about supporting her I really want to thank you for getting my guy elected. Like The MAGA himself, I never expected he would actually win. I really just wanted to latch on to his fame and use it as a catapult to get attention for myself, which I've done in spades (and obviously I use that expression deliberately so that the globalist libtards will call me racist and I can respond by saying, 'No, it's not racist, it's just a totally non-racist expression, so stop being so sensitive you snowflake antifa human dildo in the ass.') There are a lot of racists and morons in this country, to be sure, but not quite enough to lock up an election. With your help, however, we were able to squeeze out some votes from people who were more annoyed by your faux-liberal identity politics than they were troubled by Trump's open bigotry and stupidity. Remind me to send you a gift card."
There's just so much attention on Donald J. Trump these days most of it mean and nasty which I don't like at all that it's nice to see someone say something nice about him and in fact his whole administration. For example in addition to liking Donald J. Trump a lot Richard writes that he thinks "First Lady (((Ivanka Trump))) is doing a great job, and obviously Steve Bannon is a one-man peacekeeping force in the fight against white genocide." The Media’s always reporting on stuff that’s bad and sad but I want to hear about the good stuff too which is what made that part so refreshing and you can’t always believe what the Media says which is what makes the internet so important!
That’s some of what I think about his book but now the interview happened.
My Interview With Richard Spencer! :=)
I meet Richard Spencer, the notorious white supremacist and fashion guru, at a pizza place in Washington, DC, and we ate pizza but did not play ping pong even though they have ping pong. I thought he would order a supreme pizza or at least a white pie but to my surprise he just wanted two slices of cheese which I found not racist. After we sat down I started asking my questions!
Yours Truly: Mr. Spencer, it’s so nice to meet you. Such an honor.
Richard Spencer: Thanks, and it’s so nice to meet you, too. Landry, right?
Yours Truly: Just Landry. I don’t like to use my last name in case there’s internet trolls. For the record, out of professionalism, can I get you to spell your name out for me?
Richard Spencer: OK, r-i-c-h-a-r-d space s-p-e-n-c-e-r. Got it?
YT: [“YT” stands for “Yours Truly” because I’m abbreviating it. This wasn’t part of what we said in the interview just a note to the reader.] c-e-r. OK, yes, I got it, yes. And can I just confirm your date of birth, as well as your height, weight, and blood type? I want to make sure I have all my facts straight. The last thing I need to do is be accused of FAKE NEWS.
RS: [“RS” is just short for “Richard Spencer” because I’m shortening it, too.] Oh that’s all in my twenty-nine-page publicity packet.
YT: [flipping through Richard Spencer’s publicity packet.] Yes, you’re right. I see that. Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me.
RS: It’s completely my pleasure. Literally no one else wanted to talk to me.
YT: About your book?
RS: Uh, sure, about my book.
YT: Well I totally read your book and want to talk to you about it. Do you mind if I ask you some questions now? I’m very nervous because I’ve never interviewed someone before especially someone who’s famous for getting punched in the face while talking about Pepe the frog. Is it Pepe or Pepe?
RS: Most people say Pepe. I like to say Pepe.
YT: I see. I think I have another question. [Flips through notecards.] Mr. Spencer, are you a racist?
RS: No. Absolutely not. I’m actually an anti-racist, in some respects, like when it comes to white people being subjected to racism. I’m a huge opponent of reverse racism. It’s a total double standard. Truthfully, racism gets a bad rap, not that I’m saying I’m racist or anything, even though I’m sure the political correctness politburo will twist my words and make me sound racist, but it’s actually known to be highly beneficial to one's mental health. For instance, if you had goals that you never achieved, aspirations that you never attained, dreams that never came true, with racism, rather than face your failure, admit defeat to yourself, or recognize and work to overcome your own flaws and shortcomings, you can just blame all your problems on brown people.
YT: I have more questions. The next one is Richard, you really offer a lot of practical advice in your book The Conscience of a Fashy: Richard Spencer’s Guide to Guilt-Free Racism in Style about how to be racist without feeling guilty about being racist or admitting that you’re racist.
RS: Good question. It’s really simple. You can say whatever you want about whatever groups of people you want, except white religious conservatives because in this age of political correctness and out-of-control identity politics there is no group more sensitive or uptight about themselves than white religious conservatives, and trust me you don’t want them on your back because they have guns, divine missions, and the complete protection of the criminal justice system. With that said, like I said you can say whatever you want about groups of people that you don’t like for whatever reason and if anyone calls you on your shit all you have to do is say you've been taken out of context. One fun trick I've learned is to take whatever word or phrase is really popular among libtards and appropriate it for your own purposes. Like, libtards love to say 'Your privilege is showing' so sometimes when people criticize me unfairly, and all criticism is unfair, that's an important point to comprehend, I'll say 'Check your bias cuz your bias is showing' and that usually shuts them up. Rule number one of getting away with racism is You Are Always the Victim!"
YT: I wonder if I can use that when my boss yells at me for making minor grammatical mistake now there’s a Nazi! What is it, specifically, that you don’t like about black people?
RS: It’s not that I don’t like black people. Like I said I’m not racist. The problem with the untermenschen, though, is that they always see racism where none exists. It’s exhausting. By the way, when we’re done I’d love to show you my collection of authentic verified-kill lynching rope. It’s arguably the largest in the country and spans eras from pre-Revolutionary New England to the Jim Crow South.
YT: What is that you love so much about Donald J. Trump?
RS: Well, think about it. He’s basically the quintessential American. Look at the facts. Not only does he love reality television, he basically is reality television, and he’s turned the White House into the greatest reality show in history, all while making a shitload of money, for instance by foreign dignitaries staying at his hotels in order to suck up to him and by rigging the budget so that it looks like he’ll make huge cuts to welfare programs while still securing payments to public housing properties that he owns. Plus he’s an unapologetic lip-service Christian, just like me. I mean, “cultural Christian” is the term we prefer, more politically correct. I don’t believe in God, or the virgin birth, but I’m still a Christian because it’s part of my European culture. We’re a Christian nation, but nobody takes any of the Jesus stuff seriously. You’d have to be an idiot, and The MAGA is not an idiot. He surrounds himself with idiots. He gets off, trust me I mean literally, on the love and approbation of idiots. But he’s not himself an idiot. Even the ones who believe in Christianity, with them it’s still ninety-five percent show. You pay lip-service to God, but you live for yourself, your needs, your family’s when it suits you, and he embodies those traits. He’s a complete hedonist, unapologetically self-serving, and he’s white. Those are just a few reasons. There’s also a visceral connection, not just the intellectual one. Like a lot of people who oppose gay marriage I love assholes. The MAGA both is an asshole and has an asshole on his face, and that dichotomy completely enthralls me. Hey, after I show you my lynch-rope collection I can show you my collection of Trumpenalia. It’s not as impressive, but I’m slowly adding to it. My best piece is the copy of the Constitution The MAGA jizzed on his first day as Fuhrer while watching soft-to-medium-core golden-showers porn in the Oval Office. I have to tell you, Landry, to be so close to the great man’s sacred element, it’s a humbling and awesome experience, even if it is crusty and discolored, even before it dries up, and smells like a death poop.
YT: What’s a death poop?
RS: That’s when a person or an animal dies and poop comes out. It’s a very specific smell. We don’t need to get in to it, but I smelled it a lot when I was a kid. Various pets and such.
YT: Fascinating! You learn something new every day, even stuff you probably wouldn’t have wanted to know about! My boss asked me to ask this question: how many times a day do you google yourself?
RS: That’s a very personal question, depending on the way you interpret “google.” I’m joking. I’m trying to insinuate some dirty meaning into the word “google.” I’m talking about masturbation.
YT: Oh yeah, I think I was about to get that!
RS: But seriously, at least five times a day regardless of how you interpret it.
YT: You’re a prominent leader of the quote-unquote alt-right movement and you also created the website altright.com. Did you know Kurt Cobain?
RS: What?
YT: Honestly he was before my time and if I was going to listen to anything from the nineties it would be like NSYNC because I like something with a beat but he’s like the most famous alternative person I can think of so did you know him?
RT: I’m not a musician. You know that right? My background is in theatre.
YT: Oh, OK, no I didn’t know that OMGoodness I went to see the Wonder Woman movie and did you know they have like La-Z-Boys in movie theaters now it was crazy! Here’s a follow-up question: do you get along with mainstream Republicans or are you too alternative for them? Like do you allow corporate sponsorship at your white pride rallies or are you like sort of anti-corporate like Radiohead. I was supposed to read No Logo for a class last semester but I dropped it the class not the book so I didn’t read it is Radiohead even alternative? I can’t even keep it all straight. There’s too many genres.
RS: Are you, did you vote for Trump? Because you’re definitely his demographic.
YT: No I don’t vote. Your vote doesn’t matter because both parties are the same.
[Awkward silence while I try to find the right note card but he didn’t really answer my question so I say.]
YT: Um, so do you get along with them, or are there like hard feelings?
RS: We don’t technically get along, per se, but a lot of that is theatre. My background is in theatre, r-e. We're pretty much in line on most issues, aside from intervention in Syria, global warming, and whether or not liberal tears have curative properties. I say they do, but Mitch McConnell says it’s junk science. Rand Paul is on the fence. I believe in global warming. I just don’t care about it. I mean, look at the types of people who are going to be most harmed by global warming. They’re the very people (poor, brown, libtardy, or all of the above) we need to get rid of. This is nature’s way of giving us the nonviolent ethnic cleansing we so desperately need. The cucks see this, too, they’re just quieter about it than I am. Anyway the optics are bad if I'm seen as part of the mainstream of the Party, it makes it look like they’re normalizing racism even though I’m definitely not racist, but the optics are good for the Party if I'm kicked out of a gala or something because it looks like they're showing spine against a white supremacist or something, not that that's what I am. It definitely galls me though because I do, like desperately, want to be taken seriously. They need me. They use me. But they look down on me. The cuckservatives can't stand anyone who disagrees with or thinks differently from them.
YT: I’ve heard this term before. Can I get a spelling or is it in the publicity packet oh I see it but what exactly is a cuckservative?
RS: Well it's sort of an amorphous term, but broadly speaking it can be applied, often shortened simply to cuck, to any ostensible conservative or Republican who disagrees with or thinks differently from me.
YT: Sounds like you have a real love of the English language! You’ve coined a lot of terms I see.
RS: Oh absolutely. I have a background in theatre so.
YT: Exactly. What are some of the other rules or guidelines from your book, the one you wrote?
RS: Rule number two: anyone who disagrees with you or doesn’t like you is retarded. Libards. Progtards. Cucktards. Popetards. Jewtards. Islamotards. Cunttards. Tardtards.
YT: That’s a lot of tards!
RS: So many tards.
YT: I mean, I don’t usually say that word, “retarded.”
RS: Well I didn’t mean to offend Jew.
YT: Offend Jew?
RS: Offend you. See, that’s another tip. Take every opportunity to make fun of Jews and then act like you didn’t do it. It’s fun for you, confusing and frustrating for libtards.
YT: After talking to you a while my mind has been opened you know people say you’re racist but I don’t agree I read your book and you didn’t use the n-word one time so how can you even be racist?
RS: I’m not racist at all. That’s a globalist narrative meant to discredit me, and my movement. Thank you for seeing that. This country could use more independent thinkers like you.
YT: And being globalist is bad?
RS: The worst.
YT: OK I can see why the alt-rights movement is so popular because these days in age you can’t be sexist, you can’t be racist, you can’t even be globalist without offending somebody, there’s just so much rules about what you can’t be and you’re the ones talking about what you can be. You can be racist. You can be sexist. But you still can’t be globalist so that must be really bad and I’m so confused but anyway my next question is you’ve stated that Nazis and KKK don’t like you. Does it bother you when people call you a Nazi?
RS: I mean, nobody likes to be called a Nazi. It bothers me more when they call The MAGA a Nazi because with all due deference he’s too sloppy of a dresser to be a Nazi. Myself, on the other hand, I have the sartorial chops to be a Nazi if I wanted to be.
YT: You do rock a suit!
RS: I like to look good. I have a background in theatre.
YT: What’s the name of that type of haircut? I’ve been admiring it.
RS: A lot of people call it Fashy, a diminutive of “Fascist,” but I actually like to think of it as skinhead chic. It’s skinhead on the sides, preppy up top, like it gives you that skinhead, white pride cred but you can wear it to a dinner party, too.
YT: So do you ever get tired of being called a Nazi?
RS: Absolutely not. As long as people are calling me a Nazi, people are talking about me.
YT: I don’t have any more questions Richard Spencer but thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me and it was super nice to meet you and I hope you don’t get punched in the face on the way home.
RS: Seriously, if you want to come over and hang for a while, check out my collections, or just play Cards Against Humanity or something, I don’t live that far. I’ll get you an Uber back to your hotel later, my treat. Whatever you want to do, admire my suits, watch a movie. I’ve got both versions of Birth of a Nation. Literally no one wants to hang out with me and I’m so lonely. Even racists hate me. I just want a friend. Landry? Landry? Landry?
Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn't have to say that the above review is fictional, that I'm using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I'm using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it's fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can't reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what's real and what's tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there's someone gullible enough to believe the books I'm pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I'm sad enough already.
©Alan Good 2017
