Manshakes: Revitalizing Virility with Manmilk, Nature’s Miracle Elixir!
By Alex Jones
***Please be aware that the review you might be about to read if you don't get distracted by something else is fiction; the reviewer is fictional, the book being reviewed is fictional. In this instance, the purported author of one of the fictional books is a real person, although some people think Bill Hicks faked his own death and then created the character of Alex Jones as a practical joke on America. The quotes attributed to this real person are probably true in a philosophical or moral sense, but they should not be construed by readers as words that were literally spoken by the individual being mocked in this Forthcoming piece.***
Additional note, for clarification: the asterisks that frame the above notice are not some sort of white nationalist or alt-right code, like when the fashies would type a person's name inside of three sets of parentheses to signal to other fashies that the individual being named was Jewish; I'm just using them to get your attention and to separate the disclaimer from the main body of the satirical review that follows . . .
Posted by Landry
I always thought of Alex Jones as a sad hermit who masturbates himself to sleep every night over Ben Garrison's drawings of Donald Trump but it turns out he's also a man of science. His new book, Manshakes: Revitalizing Virility with Manmilk, Nature's Miracle Elixir!, will be published by Malarkey Books early in 2018, if we're all still here I mean, but I got my hands on an advanced copy and I made sure to put on gloves before I touched it.
It's a short book and Alex Jones, the guy from Infowars who looks like if Christopher Hitchens came back to life as a fat racist zombie, comes to the point quickly, almost too quickly: "You've seen the memes: semen is full of vitamins and minerals and antioxidants and other essential nutrients. Even if this information is usually just used to convince gullible women that giving blowjobs is good for them, the science is sound. But in our efforts to improve the health of women, who already have all of the advantages and privileges in this society, men have been short-changing themselves. That's why I'm about to make a little confession: I've been consuming my own semen," writes Alex Jones, "since I was eleven years old. On an almost daily basis! In my more limber years I could lie on my back and shoot in my mouth, but these days I just use a Dixie cup."
I know this probably sounds too good to be true to a lot of people but Alex Jones, who drinks his own semen for health benefits and manliness, talks about independent studies. He says, "Independent studies have shown that consuming human semen increases virility by 12,000 percent. These claims have not been verified or even examined by the FDA, which is how I know they're true. Think about it: a man's ejaculate is Life distilled into its essence. There's so much power in those tiny albino tadpoles! There can be nothing more healthy, nothing more beautiful, than ingesting semen. Still skeptical? Consider this: why do you think Steve Bannon is so damn manly? But even if you're not able to suck your own dick like Steve Bannon does, you can still reap the benefits of regular dick-sucking with my new Mega Manjuice Mega Brainpower Semen-fortified Virility Powder. Combined with a couple capsules of Infowars Life Brain Force Plus it makes the ultimate brain-boosting, manliness-enhancing manshake! Plus it comes in a variety of flavors, including cinnamon, pineapple, and salted cod."
The story of how Alex Jones, the noted conspiracy theorist and semen drinker, got the idea to sell powdered semen to people who want to be smarter and more manly is pretty interesting. Everyone knows that right-wingers masturbate to almost improbable amounts of porn, and Alex Jones knows it better than anyone. He says, "When I thought about all that precious, amazing manbrosia just going to waste—dying inside of old tube socks, disappearing down drains, splattering uselessly onto smartphone screens—I just knew I had to act. Because there was already a market for my Brain Force Plus capsules I knew there would be a market for locally sourced, manliness-verified semen, as well. After that it was just a matter of locating reliable producers." I'm definitely not going to describe that process but you can read about it in the book if that's your thing.
This book is not just about scamming morons out of their money because he frames it in a way where drinking semen is really about fighting for the future because Alex Jones, who drinks his own semen out of a Dixie cup pretty much every day, says "There is a war on manliness, people. Think of me as your general, and think of my semen as your MRE rations, only much better tasting. So which side are you on? Do you want to be a weak, pussified soyboy? Or would you rather join the ranks of the big strong semen He-Men? Thought so. Drink up!"
I enjoyed this book and while I don't know if I'm ready to start drinking manshakes it was interesting to learn about and you should definitely tell all your friends and family who think there's a war on manliness that the best way to fight back is to start drinking semen.
My rating: A+!
Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.