The Unbearable Whiteness of Being
By Ivanka Trump
4 payments of $29.99
***Please be aware that the review you might be about to read if you don't get distracted by something else is fiction; the reviewer is fictional, the book being reviewed is fictional. In this instance, the purported author of one of the fictional books is a real person, and don't you make any jokes about plastic surgery. The quotes attributed to this real person are probably true in a philosophical or moral sense, but they should not be construed by readers as words that were literally spoken by the individual being mocked in this Forthcoming piece.***
Additional note, for clarification: the asterisks that frame the above notice are not some sort of white nationalist or alt-right code, like when the fashies would type a person's name inside of three sets of parentheses to signal to other fashies that the individual being named was Jewish; I'm just using them to get your attention and to separate the disclaimer from the main body of the satirical review that follows . . .
Posted by Landry
One of the important things about books is they allow us to see the world from someone else’s perspective. For example, I lived my whole life not thinking that Ivanka Trump is the center of the universe but it turns out she is. If you look at the last few years with the understanding that Ivanka is the most important person in the world, that her wealth and happiness matter far more than democracy, human rights, or environmental protection and stability, then suddenly it all makes sense! Instead of getting mad at her for throwing all of humanity under the bus, we should empathize with her. It can’t be easy to sit by and watch and frequently actively help as your father tries to destroy Western civilization and replace it with a corporate-ruled white ethno-autocracy just so that you can have more money and—who knows? It seems like it could easily go this way—inherit the presidency, especially when you sort of want him to die and you sort of think he wants to kill you!
After reading The Unbearable Whiteness of Being Ivanka Trump has me seeing things from her perspective. Ivanka is one of the most misunderstood public figures alive today. Right up there with Richard Spencer and Harvey Weinstein. While most people see her as a conniving poseur who fronts as a defender of women's rights but is only interested in money, money, money, and promoting her Brand, in reality she's a miserable human being who is worried that her father wants to exterminate her because she's Jewish. She really opens up about this fear and it made me realize that even though my father got really drunk last week and told me I was a pathetic loser who needed to get the fuck out of his house finally before I drive him to suicide at least he's never tried to make me part of a genocide. It can't be easy to have your father be the president, especially when you've converted to Judaism and your father is an anti-Semite who surrounds himself with white supremacists, but Ivanka makes the best of it: "My father said he wanted to gas me. Me! I'm the most prominent Jewish woman in the country and America's foremost feminist! It really hurt my feelings when he said that. He said he was only joking but I'm still not sure what to believe because his favorite tactic is to say something horrible that he completely means and then claim he was joking or he's being misinterpreted when he gets called out. One thing about my Daddy is he always keeps you on your toes! He's my father and I know he loves me even if part of him wants to gas me."
I don't like to take political stances but I have something to say to the people who are always saying "Check your privilege," which is "Check your own privilege.” As it turns out, Ivanka Trump is not some Nazi-version of a Disney Princess. She's a real person with real feelings and real problems. Check it: "People think it's easy to be Ivanka, but life is super hard for me. For instance, Daddy told me he was going to kill the estate tax, which would take forty percent of his money away from me when he dies, which was actually the only reason none of his children have had killed him yet. I mean, he's such a soulless monster who has ruined our lives and our psyches. But the goons in Cuckgress didn't have the balls to eliminate the estate tax. Instead they're doubling the threshold at which you're required to pay the estate tax from $5.5 million to $11 million ($22 million for married couples, which is why he and Melania are still together). And the kicker is that the raised threshold only lasts until 2026 so even though I love him Daddy needs to die before then. I think that's what makes me the saddest."
Ivanka says that she's been sad a lot since her dad became president because even though he's cruel and hateful and makes her uncomfortable—"a lot of crass insinuations have been made about how my father is attracted to me, and you're gross if you think that. He would never touch me, but when we're in a room together he does eye-fuck the fuck out of me, which is awkward"—she loves her father and it hurts her personally when people make fun of him and say he's dangerous and unethical and is willing to trash American democracy in exchange for heaping assloads of money plus all the extra fame, attention, and Brand Recognition. "I don't want to think of my Daddy that way," she writes. "I don't want to think of him as someone who wants to drop nuclear bombs on people for no reason or who wants to torture people or who wants to round up and imprison or deport hard-working people who came to this country illegally in order to find a better life or escape the horrors of their home countries. I don't want to think of my Daddy as someone who seems really keen on separating children from their families or leaving poor old people to die because they can't afford healthcare. I don't want to think of my Daddy as a complete idiot who thinks exercise is bad for your health or that vaccines cause autism or that the lizard aliens are operating a Deep State campaign to undermine his legitimacy. I don't want to think of my Daddy as a man whose decisions and actions, perhaps I should say inactions, on climate change and energy are going to ruin this planet for future humans. I don’t want to think of him like that but the haters and the Media are always making him sound like that by quoting his words the way he said them and not the way I wanted to hear them. It really hurts me when the haters say negative things about my dad, but when they say negative things about me like that my clothes are made in sweatshops I just can't stand it. It makes me super sad. My father doesn't believe in exercise. I can't be associated with the word ‘sweat!’ People just want to see me taken down, and they're relentless in their efforts to persecute me. When I tried to humanize myself by saying I had a punk rock phase and Nirvana was my favorite band, everyone who knew anything about music or reality kept screaming, ‘NIRVANA WASN'T EVEN A PUNK BAND!’ You dilettantes and philistines don't even understand punk. Punk isn't a pose. It's not about what kind of clothes you have or what your favorite band is or what color your hair is or how many millions of dollars your wedding cost. Punk is about using your position as the daughter of the president to get China to expedite your patents so you can open up more overseas sweatshops and by that definition I'm punk as fuck."
I really see Ivanka in a new light now and with a lot more respect. Turns out Ivanka Trump is not just some spoiled brat with a superficial sense of style. She has convictions. Ivanka Trump is an outspoken critic of critics of authoritarianism, kleptocracy, and anarcho-capitalism and a self-serving hedonist whose credo is "Brand before country." You can disagree with her on some points but you have to respect her. It takes real courage to sacrifice your soul in exchange for all the power and money in the world!
My rating: A+!
Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.