***Please be aware that the review you might be about to read if you don't get distracted by something else is fiction; the reviewer is fictional, the book being reviewed is fictional. In some instances, the purported author of one of these fictional books is fictional, and in other instances the purported author is a real person, but while the quotes attributed to that real person are probably true in a philosophical or moral sense, that should not be construed by readers as words that were literally spoken by the individuals being mocked in the Forthcoming series.***
Additional note, for clarification: the asterisks that frame the above notice are not some sort of white nationalist or alt-right code, like when the fashies would type a person's name inside of three sets of parentheses to signal to other fashies that the individual being named was Jewish; I'm just using them to get your attention and to separate the disclaimer from the main body of the satirical review that follows . . .
Posted by: Landry
Stuff I Could Get Away With
By Donald J. Trump
Translated from the Russian by Sergei Lavrov
$29.99 (1,600 RUB)
Being president is hard, so much harder than anyone could have ever known. Fortunately Donald J. Trump is president and he doesn’t even know hard. Donald J. Trump is a man who never stops working. Presidenting takes up a lot of his time but not all of it and when he isn’t tweeting about which comedians aren’t really funny or sharing highly classified intelligence with America’s frenemies he is writing. Malarkey Books is proud to announce the publication of Donald J. Trump’s latest masterpiece, Stuff I Could Get Away With. If you liked it when Donald J. Trump said he could stand out on Fifth Avenue and shoot someone without losing the support of his base you’re gonna love Stuff I Could Get Away With because that was just the tip of the iceberg, an iceberg composed entirely of pretty horrible stuff that Donald J. Trump could do or say without losing the support of his base.
Without giving too much away let me just say that Donald J. Trump is right on the money when he says he could “literally, literally not figuratively, literally, rape a baby on the White House lawn and not one of [his] supporters would flinch.” Of course he acknowledges he’s not talking about white babies but he adds he could probably get away with it if the white baby’s parents were liberals.
Rather than describe a bunch of things he could get away with I’ll just quote a couple of my favorites like when he says “My supporters love me so much I have essentially immunity. I could do things, take all the haters, you’ll see, you’ll see it’s true, all the fake news journalists, all the trolls who attack me on Twitter, put them in jail, make them disappear. My people wouldn’t be mad. They wouldn’t whine about ‘civil liberties’ or ‘The First Amendment.’ They would cheer. They’d cheer me.” The guy really knows his stuff, at least the stuff he could get away with.
“If I wanted to, if I wanted to,” he says, “I could walk into any Trump house, any house with a Trump yard sign, got to be careful you don’t get shot walking up to a house like that, but I could walk into any Trump house and demand to exercise my right as king to lay with the hottest woman in the house, be that the wife or mother if she’s under thirty-six, or a daughter if she’s close enough to the age of consent. Could be the nanny. Not only would everyone in the house consent, the man would ask me if I needed any Viagra, and I’d say yes not because I need it but because I like the way it tastes. I’d also ask if he had any apple juice in the fridge because I like to load my bitches up with apple juice before we go to work and if not I’d send him to the store. I could do all that and get away with it without losing their support or the support of my base. That’s how much they love me.”
No one knew Donald J. Trump could be so insightful but here he is bringing the insight: “I could rape my daughter on live, national television and 52% of my supporters would say it was fake news, that The Mainstream Media had fabricated the coverage in order to hurt me. The rest would be like, ‘Well did you see what she was wearing?’”
People think he’s a liar and a phony but Donald J. Trump is really honest and raw in Stuff I Could Get Away With: “The fake news reports,” he writes about his approval ratings, “everyone knows they’re fake, they want to get me, the fake media, but I’m too popular. I’m so popular. I could even, and this one’s gonna play out in real life, it’s not a hypothetical like some of the rape stuff in this book, about half the rape stuff in this book, I could even throw all the people who propelled me to this historic victory totally under the bus, even literally under the bus, giving huge tax breaks to myself and stiffing them, pushing policies that actually harm them, placing their health coverage at risk, increasing the cost of goods by slapping tariffs on Mexican imports, and they’ll never turn against me. They love me. They love me. It’s almost like they have so much emotional investment in me that they’ll put up with anything!”
This book really is a must-read, as in you must buy it and read it or you’ll be deported or placed in a “work camp.”
My rating: A+!
Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.
©Alan Good 2017