***Please be aware that the review you might be about to read if you don't get distracted by something else is fiction; the reviewer is fictional, the book being reviewed is fictional. In some instances, the purported author of one of these fictional books is fictional, and in other instances the purported author is a real person, but while the quotes attributed to that real person are probably true in a philosophical or moral sense, that should not be construed by readers as words that were literally spoken by the individuals being mocked in the Forthcoming series.***
Additional note, for clarification: the asterisks that frame the above notice are not some sort of white nationalist or alt-right code, like when the fashies would type a person's name inside of three sets of parentheses to signal to other fashies that the individual being named was Jewish; I'm just using them to get your attention and to separate the disclaimer from the main body of the satirical review that follows . . .
Posted by: Landry
Trump Mom: A Suburban White Woman Defends Her Vote
By Samantha Ann Price
I’m back again it’s me Landry with another installment of Forthcoming, which is probably the best thing on the internet, and this week I’m reviewing a book that’s probably going to make a lot of people mad but don’t be because it’s easy to condemn but more important to listen. This week’s book will be available in August from Malarkey Books and is called Trump Mom: A Suburban White Woman Defends Her Vote and it was written by a real suburban white woman named Samantha Ann Price who is also a mom who also voted for Donald J. Trump and whatever you think of her life choices I think you have to admire her candor, not to mention her readable style. Here’s a sample from the first page and by the way I don’t just read the first page and skim the rest I read the whole book every time because it’s the book-blogger code:
“I voted for Donald Trump because it was time for a change, not just a change from a Democrat to a Republican or from a black dude to a white dude, although we can all agree it was time for whites to be represented in Washington again, but I’m really talking about a change from democracy to autocracy. Presidential elections every four years? It’s too much. Who can keep track? Who has time to research candidates, inform themselves on important issues, arm themselves with facts? Let’s be honest: democracy is annoying. All those yard signs. I’m lucky. My homeowners association has a rule against yard signs. If only they were in charge of Facebook! As if the presidential elections aren’t bad enough, we’re supposed to participate in the midterms as well. Sounds like a test to me, a test that we always fail, so why not just scrap it?”
OK so I was alarmed when I read that but the more I thought about it, the more I read, the more I saw her point. It’s not that I agree with her but it’s like the big publishing companies are always tweeting about, “We need diversity in books!” and diversity doesn’t just mean black people. It also means diverse ideas so whatever you think about Price’s ideas it should be obvious she deserved to have her ideas published in a really nice book. The paper is of very high quality and the ink is soy-based so you won’t die from reading it.
Whatever your political views I think we can all agree that America is divided and I don’t think anyone has written as eloquently or thoughtfully about this division and its roots and solutions than Price. Say what you want about her she tells it like it is, shoots straight from the hip: “One thing liberals need to learn is to stop being so mean to everyone. I mean conservatives are never going to admit that you’re right about something or that they agree with you but when you’re making fun of us and saying mean things about us it makes us feel like we wouldn’t want to admit we agreed with you about something even if we agreed with you. So you can see you’re only hurting yourselves. But whatever. Just stay in your bubbles, yelling in your echo chamber about how much you hate the preborn.”
Like a lot of Americans Price felt conflicted during the 2016 presidential election so she turned to her faith for answers. She shares a prayer that she prayed to God when she was trying to make her decision: “Just a hypothetical: Is it better to vote for a woman who at least claims to belong to a mainstream sect of Christianity but who also supports abortion rights, although she herself has never had or performed an abortion, or to vote for a genuine heretic who has probably caused several abortions but claimed later in his life to be totally prolife? Asking because my whole philosophy is predicated on not having to process this level of internal conflict and I want an easy answer. Thanks!” I think a lot of people just want easy answers and I think that’s what makes this book so relatable because she’s just like us. “And God answered me with a sign: my husband got frisky that night but I was on my period and he said, ‘Well how about some lip service?’ and I was like ‘Hallelujah’ but not for the reason he was thinking. I went ahead and did it anyway cuz I can be naughty too! Thank you, God! Life is full of difficult choices and I don’t want to have to make them!”
I know what you’re thinking, she’s just another deluded cretin who believes whatever Trump and Fox News say because it’s easy and it’s kinda fun to be outraged and feel like a victim but she’s pretty clear-headed about politics, she sees Trump’s flaws and doesn’t try to sugar coat them. “I pretty much assumed he’d be the worst president in history,” she writes, about Donald J. Trump, “but I found that preferable to voting for an unfuckable twat who can’t keep her man. Plus, being a woman I had valuable insights into the nature of women that the pundits didn’t have the balls to talk about. Let me be real for a sec: Bitches be crazy. How I know? I’m a bitch and I be fuckin’ crazy yo. That’s my black bitch voice. It totally kills at barbecues! Her man cheat on her ass too an’ I don’t be votin’ for no woman can’t keep her man happy. If dat bitch can’t keep her man in line how she gon balance a muhfuckin’ budget and keep that Kimchi Egg Foo Jung muhfucka from blowin’ our asses to pieces? I took a creative writing class in college and my teacher said I was really good at dialect.”
I can just tell that people are going to get upset and say that Price is just a racist white lady but I think you should hold your judgment, she’s just speaking her mind and even if her mind is a little bit out of whack sometimes she should get credit not scorn for speaking it: “I was talking with my friend Taj the other day. She’s not exotic, her name is just Tiffany-Allison-Jennifer. Taj said something really wise that really resonated with me about what is probably the core problem with Obama. ‘Black guys,’ she said to me. ‘Black guys, are black guys. They’re fun. They’re fun to look at, those bodies, but they’re not presidential. You fuck a black guy in college. Maybe you let him pound you in the ass one time just to see what the fuss is about. You don’t bring one home. You don’t marry one.’ She said that and I thought, ‘Duh!’ By voting for Obama I’d essentially brought a black guy home. Twice!” Trump Mom is filled with honesty like that. The funny thing about this book is that she used to be sort of liberal and she didn’t change her views because her husband brainwashed her or anything. Her conversion wasn’t the result of lots of reading or debate or even soul-searching, she writes. Rather, “it was like I looked around at my big house and my big yard and all the pretty flowers, our beautiful giant cars, the community pool, my white kids, and that was what mattered to me. I had an epiphany. To the extent that I thought about the outside world at all it was just like ‘Aw fuck em.’ Poof! Just like that I was a principled conservative!”
Samantha Anne Price is not always politically correct but she talks straight giving us the real truth even when it makes us really uncomfortable: “I’m not some country dope,” she says. “I went to college. I even read a Sylvia Plath poem called ‘Daddy’ that tells you why so many women supported Trump, not the ‘you do not do you do not do black shoe part,’ which I don’t understand, like why is someone a shoe? Farther down, though, she says,
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.
She’s speaking the truth that I know a lot of women feel but don’t want to admit: we want someone to treat us like we’re dirty, dirty Jews. We want to say ‘Let me be your Jew whore, Daddy!’ We want to be told what to do and could all do with a little boot-in-the-face action now and then. It’s not unfeminist if it’s true ladies!” What an interesting insight!
All in all I guess Trump Mom is probably not for everyone but if you’re an open-minded person who wants to see perspectives from all sides then you might like Trump Mom then again you might not but if you keep an open mind you might. Give it a chance!
My rating: A+!
Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.