***Please be aware that the review you might be about to read if you don't get distracted by something else is fiction; the reviewer is fictional, the book being reviewed is fictional. In some instances, the purported author of one of these fictional books is fictional, and in other instances the purported author is a real person, but while the quotes attributed to that real person are probably true in a philosophical or moral sense, that should not be construed by readers as words that were literally spoken by the individuals being mocked in the Forthcoming series.***
Additional note, for clarification: the asterisks that frame the above notice are not some sort of white nationalist or alt-right code, like when the fashies would type a person's name inside of three sets of parentheses to signal to other fashies that the individual being named was Jewish; I'm just using them to get your attention and to separate the disclaimer from the main body of the satirical review that follows . . .
Posted by Landry
I Am Not Your Nazi: My Struggle Against Lies, Stupidity, and Cowardice
By Tucker Carlson
Since time in memorial white people in this country, I’m talking about America, have being called racist and now they’re finally speaking out about it which is not to say that black people did not suffer their own injustices but to play devil’s advocate I’m just saying white people been done wrong to too and the person who is speaking out in his new book that is called I Am Not Your Nazi: My Struggle Against Lies, Stupidity, and Cowardice is Tucker Carlson which will be published next month by Malarkey Books but I got a sneak peak preview because I’m special and this is my review.
I Am Not Your Nazi: My Struggle Against Lies, Stupidity, and Cowardice is going to rub some people the wrong way and that can be good. A lot of people are going to dismiss the author as just another racist white person and that’s bad. In a diverse society we must listen to diverse views and stop calling each other Nazis because just because someone expresses views that are basically identical to but just wrapped up prettier than Nazi ideas doesn’t mean we need to ostrichize them. Also Tucker doesn’t have any visible swastika tattoos anyway so it’s not even accurate to call him that. Tucker is a news person on White Entertainment Television so he is able to use his unique perspective to explain that racism isn’t really bad or maybe that what we call racism isn’t bad or something honestly I got confused. Tucker's like “It’s not about racism or being repelled by the dusky bodies of Mexicans and ‘Central Americans.’ I just want people to follow the laws of our country and I want a president who will do everything he can, even if he has to bend, break, or trample on the laws of our country, to make it basically impossible for immigrants or refugees from countries where people simply happen, coincidentally, to tend to be dark-hued to get into our country. If he wants to open up a path to opportunity where swarthy people can come to our country and perform cheap labor to benefit our country, or even better they can work internships where they don’t get paid money but rather are paid in what you might call a local currency, created by and honored only by their employer, which they can use to pay for housing, food, and basic necessities, but without having any hope of gaining citizenship, having basic human rights, or being treated fairly, then I’m all for it, and if that makes me racist then call me racist but you can’t because I’m not racist. I speak with such calmness and assuredness that it’s impossible for people to believe I’m racist.”
Tucker says he’s tired of being called a racist and a white supremacist and a Nazi and a squirmy little assbooger and he’s tired of getting screamed at on the street. Guys it’s not nice to yell “Fuck you assbooger!” if you see a not-famous-but-you-sort-of-know-who-it-is person on the street. Tucker is just standing up for his rights and the rights of all frightened white people: “Political correctness is destroying our country and our culture. I am a white person and an American. No hyphen needed. Just American. You could even call me an American-American, but you shouldn’t because hyphens are destroying our country. And while some of you may think of me as ‘whitie,’ or ‘honkie,’ or most racist of all 'gringo,' you’re racist if you think that, and anyway I prefer to think of myself as a person of whiteness. The sad truth is that racism exists, and racism used to be the purview entirely of white people, some white people, but today racism is all perpetrated on the parts of blacks and other minorities, gays, ‘transgenders,’ Mexicans. Did you know that murder is the national pastime of Mexico? But careful, if the ‘tolerant’ Leftists catch me telling you the truth they’ll string me up the way we did to uppity ‘blacks’ in the old days. Blacks, immigrants, and ‘tolerant’ leftists love to call me a racist Nazi, but I’m not a Nazi or a racist. I am an identitAryan. I stand up for the rights of white people because literally no one else is willing to do it and someone has to look out for us. I am tired of being called a racist just because I’m white or just because I voted for Trump or just because I get paid millions of dollars to distract Trumpmericans from the Holy MAGA’s latest monstrous comments or actions by showing them scary pictures of Mexicans or masked anti-fascists or even better Mexican masked anti-fascists. This country is beset with a victim culture that is weenifying this nation and there is no greater victim than myself. It really hurts my feelings to be called racist. ‘Tolerant’ Leftists such as Bill Kristol are obsessed with painting me as a racist, which couldn’t be further from the truth. This obsession with racism and race is holding our country back. It’s simple: no white person alive today ever owned a slave. No black person alive today ever was a slave. So get over it. We can’t move forward if ‘tolerant’ Leftists are stuck in the past. It’s time to move forward as a nation and yes that means sterilizing and deporting dark-skinned immigrants but not out of racism but in the interest of law and order. The science is clear, at least to those who care to pay attention to sound science: dark-skinned people are criminals by nature. It’s in their blood, their impure, inferior, dark dark blood. If wanting to protect white people from dangerous, sexually deviant, bloodthirsty criminals who are mainly only interested in raping white women is racist then call me racist, but I’m not racist so you can’t. You’re racist.”
I know by now you’ve probably heard about some of the people who have been killed by police. I don’t mean to sound political but even I was conflicted, it was like “Er, was that OK? I don’t know?” but Tucker offers his own hot take: “There is an unwritten social contract in this country. We don’t speak openly about it, but maybe it’s time to: if you are a ‘people of color’ in our country, then so long as you comply, conform, obey, you are safe, somewhat safe, but the moment you dissent or self-advocate or make us uncomfortable you’re dead. I mean, it’s that simple. It sounds brutal when you make me articulate it like this, but it’s the glue that holds this fragile society together.” He says it with so much confidence it’s hard to question it.
I don’t watch Tucker’s TV show because I cut the cable but if I did watch the news and stuff I still probably wouldn’t watch Tucker Carlson’s show because he’s got a punch-me face and I wouldn’t want to break my TV by accident but now I understand why so many people do watch him: “People want simple answers. Simple ideas. Not complexity or nuance. You can trust a man in a bowtie, as long as it’s not a black man because all black men in bowties are racists. Yes, I quit wearing the bowtie, but it’s so much a part of my personal brand that even when I’m wearing a regular necktie everyone who looks at me still sees it as a bowtie. People want to hear a white guy in a bowtie tell them he’s telling the truth, and that’s what I do. They don’t care if my ideas make sense, if they have any grounding in reality or if they’re just cheap sentiment or cheap symbolism or obvious cover for the rhetoric of racial pride and resentment that characterized Nazi Germany. They just want simplicity, easy ideas that sound good as long as you don’t question or analyze them. And that’s what I provide, seemingly well-reasoned (because I’m wearing a bowtie and speaking somewhat calmly) arguments that don’t sound like white supremacy but totally are the arguments of white supremacy.”
As long as I didn’t look at his face on the cover I was able to read his book which I’m glad I did because it was very inciteful. Like a lot of Americans, even the ones like me who don’t really follow political very much, I was really shocked and scared by the racist rally in Virginia, but I happened to start reading I Am Not Your Nazi that same night and it really helped put things in perspective because he wrote, which I don’t know how he knew there was going to be violence in Charlottesville before the violence even occurred but that’s all the more reasons to trust him because he’s like psycho or something because it’s almost like he knew what was going to happen in advance: “This business in Charlottesville, it’s sad. I don’t condone violence. I don’t condone someone driving his car into a crowd of people. I’d like to know what all the facts are before I make a judgment. I’d like to hear what that young man has to say in his defense. It’s like the president says, there was violence on many sides. Let he who has never sinned throw the first stone. With the rise of Richard Spencer and other white supremacists, sometimes I say to myself 'thank God for antifa.' Their vandalism and Nazi-punching makes it OK for me to not be outraged by racism and bigotry and right-wing ‘terrorism’ and in fact I can use their violence to justify our violence. For all the smack that ‘tolerant’ Leftists talk about Nazis, I don’t hear them denouncing Stalinists. The Communists killed people too so in fact the Nazis weren’t even that bad. They’re deeply misunderstood, which has a lot to do with the alleged Jew-killing, but an argument can be made, by those who don’t want to engage with the problem of neo-Fascism, that the Nazis held back the tidal wave of Communism that threatened to drown Western civilization in the twentieth century. An argument can be made, not that I’m making it myself, that we need a wall of Fascism today to protect the West from a new flood, a flood of Muslims and Mexicans. I don’t deny that it’s not a good thing to be a Nazi, but there’s something much worse than Nazis and that’s liberals. I know I’ll be unfairly criticized for even using the term ‘white genocide’ here, but I will not be censored by ‘tolerant’ (and I use that word facetiously) Leftists who are actively conspiring to eliminate whiteness through miscegenation, abortion, and infertility. White men are not as fertile as they used to be. This is documented science. And it’s not because God is trying to wipe us out. It’s because ‘tolerant’ Leftists want to turn humanity into a rainbow of mud.”
It’s really a fascinating book. I’m not learning any of this stuff in college. Maybe because all my professors are ‘tolerant’ Leftists? Oh my God! Ear regardless, Tucker offers some solacing words to those who get accused of racism: “The logic is simple. I don’t think I’m a racist. I certainly don’t want to be thought of as a racist. Therefore I’m not a racist. I don’t use the n-word. I bristle even at using the word ‘Negro,’ which I had to do in order to discuss that really horrid and racist James Baldwin documentary on Netflix which is called I Am Not Your Negro. I’m aware, of course, that Negro was for some time a rather polite word, the ‘African-American’ of its day, but something about the word ‘Negro’ makes me uncomfortable. Negro. Nee-grow. Would a racist person be uncomfortable saying or writing the word ‘Negro’? I think not. It should be obvious that I’m not a racist and yet. And yet! Just because I got so mad when a Negro football player refused to stand for the National Anthem just because some thug in Minnesota had been killed by a cop that I shouted out ‘Stand for the flag, boy! Let’s lynch that [Negro]!’ people call me a racist. Talk about injustice. Am I supposed to care that Philando Castile was killed while sitting in his car passively following the directions of the police officer who was about to kill him? Am I supposed to care that he was a responsible gun owner with a concealed carry permit? No. Because he was also a Crip. The Mainstream Media won’t tell you but he was a Crip. I can’t even describe how relieved I was too when Alex Jones told me that he was a Crip because then I didn’t have to feel conflicted. I’m a conservative. I don’t mind armed conflict, especially if I don’t have to participate in or be inconvenienced by it, but I can’t stand internal conflict. Like my audience, I need simple, black-and-white answers.”
I learned something else which is that did you know that slavery was bad but not always in the ways we think of it as bad because did you know the Native Americans used to own slaves? I don’t know, when you think about that information it sort of makes you look at the European slaughter of Native Americans a little bit differently like maybe they sort of deserved it because they owned slaves and we alive today didn’t own slaves or murder a bunch of Indians so we shouldn’t feel guilty but they still want us to feel guilty. I don’t know, this is all so confusing which is probably why people watch Tucker’s show because he’s able to tell them the things they want to hear so they don’t have to feel guilty or uncomfortable.
Long story short if you’ve ever been called a racist you probably have a lot in common with Tucker Carlson and you’ll totally love his book.
My rating: A+!
Editor’s Note: I don’t think Tucker Carlson is a Nazi or, consciously at least, a Fascist. I suspect he’s a second-degree white supremacist, someone who doesn’t like racism or want to think of himself as racist, but nevertheless still demonstrates the belief that white people are the best, not necessarily the master race, but definitely the group that should be rescued from an alien invasion before all the others.
Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.