***Please be aware that the review you might be about to read if you don't get distracted by something else is fiction; the reviewer is fictional, the book being reviewed is fictional. In some instances, the purported author of one of these fictional books is fictional, and in other instances the purported author is a real person, but while the quotes attributed to that real person are probably true in a philosophical or moral sense, that should not be construed by readers as words that were literally spoken by the individuals being mocked in the Forthcoming series.***
Additional note, for clarification: the asterisks that frame the above notice are not some sort of white nationalist or alt-right code, like when the fashies would type a person's name inside of three sets of parentheses to signal to other fashies that the individual being named was Jewish; I'm just using them to get your attention and to separate the disclaimer from the main body of the satirical review that follows . . .
Posted by Landry
Mitch McConnell Least He Ain’t [Black]
By Mitch McConnell
Published in collaboration with Simon & Schuster
Mea culpa because I legitimately always thought his name was Droopy Dog but apparently it’s actually Mitch McConnell. His new book is a tell-all about Barack Obama, Donald Trump, and the Republican People and it’s called Least He Ain’t [Black]. The word “black” isn’t there in the original title, it’s a different word, the worst word, but Malarkey Books has too much taste to print the n-word on the cover of a book which is why we’re publishing it in collaboration with Simon & Schuster, who have no qualms about publishing racist bullshit. They taught us that the publishing world is open to anyone even if, especially if, you have no talent, soul, or original thoughts, as long as you don’t make weak jokes about pedophilia. To be fair, Milo Yannipoopoolous suffers from a legitimate medical condition called joke blindness which is you think you’re funny but you’re not funny and you have difficulty recognizing other people’s jokes and the only other people who think your jokes are funny are racist pieces of shit. Another reason we’ve partnered with SS is that we don’t have the means to publish a best-seller but SS can manipulate this book into a best-seller. Apparently the strategy is to coordinate with several right-wing organizations to set up a bunch of bulk orders so it looks like we’ve sold a ton of copies even though most of them are just going to end up burning in the Great Dumpster Fire of 2016, which is still raging and I thought all the smoke in Denver recently was from the big fires in Montana! But the main strategy I guess is just to complain, like if you whine loudly enough to enough people about how your book’s not on the best-seller list because The New York Times is biased against you then you can annoy/terrify them into including it on the list even if it doesn’t deserve to be there. That’s called grassroots activism!
I don’t know what it means because I don’t speak Latin, but the press release for this book calls it a cri du coeur and the opening paragraphs do make liberal use of a rhetorical strategy called epistrophe. I know things. “Donald Trump,” Mitch writes, “may be a racist, sexist pig. He may be a philanderer, a philistine, and a fool. He may be a vile heretic whose rise to power spells eternal damnation for us all. Least he ain’t a n*****.” I am the one asteriskizing the n-word because I don’t want to write it. Honestly, more than any other book I’ve had to read for this internship, this one made me sickest to my stomach. He goes on: “Donald Trump may be a liar, a cheater, a rapist, a wife-beater. Least he ain’t a n*****. He may very likely, with up to ninety percent probability, take your property to build his wall. Or a new hotel. Or a golf course. Or just to have as a place to hold his pee parties. He may very likely write into law, with just a quick signature on an executive order that under a different president I would have claimed was tyrannical, restrictions on individual liberty in this country, maybe in the form of speech or worship, but probably in assembly. Or what websites you can visit. You may bristle at these restrictions, these encroachments. Just remember: least he ain’t a n*****.”
Mitch McConnell is a big person in Congress and he has so much experience which he delivers in the form of insight such as that “By now it should be clear that I, like most of the people in my Party, care more about the Republican Party than about the good of the country, or at least the non-Republican people in it. Honestly, those of us at the top are willing, more than willing, to throw even Republican people under the bus if it benefits the Party—or ourselves, but preferably both—as long as they’re lower-class Republicans. If there can even be such a thing. Poor people are swine! Mike Pence sorta let the cat out of the bag on this when he said ‘I’m a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican, in that order.’ Yup.”
This whole book is all about, or a lot about, how Donald Trump isn’t a true Republican or a true conservative but it’s OK because at least he’s not black. For context, the president who was president before Donald Trump was black and I guess a lot of people didn’t like that. Mitch says Republicans were willing to stand with Trump because “even though he’s not loyal to the Party he says mean stuff about Obama and the Democrats and that’s just the kind of leadership America needs right now. He’s a bit of a wild card, it’s true. People talk a lot about his dangerous rhetoric. Well, a lot of that talk is hyperbole, but some of it is substantial and there’s no rhetoric of his more dangerous than his repeated calls for Americans to come together. That is not what we’re about. Republicans don’t want unity, we want total domination. Also free labor.”
McConnell reveals a lot of stuff that even I didn’t know about the election, like how he told Vladimir Putin it was OK to assassinate Antonin Scalia who was on the Supreme Court because then that would open up a vacancy which the Republicans could use to win the White House but he was kind of pissed that it happened too soon but then it turned out it was perfect timing because it made it look less suspicious-looking so the Republicans just said ‘Nobama you don’t get to choose a new justice’ and then Donald Trump was able to exploit this vacancy in order to get elected because if Hillary had been elected she could have chosen a new justice and then Congress would have dissolved the Union.
He talks about other strategies like “There was also the House of Cards factor. For those who don’t watch the show, which is streaming now on Netflix, it portrays the inner workings of American politics, with the focus on the hyper-Machiavellian politician Frank Underwood, a Democrat who will do anything to get what he wants. Like kill a lady reporter. That’s porn to Republicans. It’s a good thing Netflix don’t have a rewind button because it’d be broke by now from all the times I’ve rewound that part while stimulating my genitals. Between that scene and the ceremony scenes from The Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu it’s a wonder I have any precious manjuice left in me. But the strategy was, people see that show, House of Cards, they don’t realize it’s wildly improbable, that it’s as farfetched as a soap opera. They think that’s what Democrats do. Plus Underwood is sort of gay and he and his wife have an open relationship, which helps us with the Family Values crowd.”
I don’t read them but I see a lot of “think pieces” on the internet about the death of the Republican Party but it seems like McConnell knows something those pieces don’t which is “You will never defeat us, measly libholes, for we are more than just a mere political party. Nay, we are a people. The Republican People. We have our own culture. Our own religion. Our own language. Most of our words sound like your words, but many of them have different meanings when spoken or written by one of The People. For instance, when we say ‘religious liberty’ we are talking about Christian rule. When we say ‘diversity,’ at least in a positive context, we mean ‘more conservative voices.’ Which is confusing because sometimes when we say ‘diversity’ we mean ‘there’s too many n*****s.’ Language is complex! Some people may say I’m being irresponsible, revealing so much heretofore secret information to the public, but this is my legacy. I sure as shit don’t have any meaningful legislative accomplishments to get my name in the history books, unless you consider managing to get elected to government office over and over while doing nothing while in office but doing everything I can to sabotage the government—and the democracy it is tasked with upholding and defending—from within an accomplishment, and now that I see it written down it’s a hell of an accomplishment. The liberal loonybirds who pay any attention to this book are gonna be in such a tizzy ‘bout me using the n-word that they won’t notice anything else. Besides, those illiterate elitist limousine echo chambers only read books written by Neil deGrasse Tyson so we’re safe.”
If you want to buy the tasteful-cover version, you can order it through our website. Or if you want the full-on racist version Simon & Schuster’s got you covered. The title and his frequent use of the n-word is “problematic” but even though it made me throw up while reading it several times Mitch’s book is certainly an eye-opener for those with minds open enough to read it.
My rating: A+!
Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.