***Please be aware that the review you might be about to read if you don't get distracted by something else is fiction; the reviewer is fictional, the book being reviewed is fictional. In some instances, the purported author of one of these fictional books is fictional, and in other instances the purported author is a real person, but while the quotes attributed to that real person are probably true in a philosophical or moral sense, that should not be construed by readers as words that were literally spoken by the individuals being mocked in the Forthcoming series.***
Additional note, for clarification: the asterisks that frame the above notice are not some sort of white nationalist or alt-right code, like when the fashies would type a person's name inside of three sets of parentheses to signal to other fashies that the individual being named was Jewish; I'm just using them to get your attention and to separate the disclaimer from the main body of the satirical review that follows . . .
Posted by Landry
Lefty Loosey: And Other Reasons Hitler Was A Democrat
By Dinesh D'Souza
Author's note: I usually invent the quotes from the fake books my fictional intern reviews, even when the books are purportedly written by actual public figures. Most of the time, the quotes serve to say things these figures find ways to say without directly saying them. My normal approach was not possible with this subject. In order to satirize someone, you need to be able to find something that's one step beyond where your target might conceivably go. I cannot make Dinesh D'Souza look ridiculous because he already is ridiculous. So I just went to Twitter. All quotes in the following satirical review (I hate to be so heavy-handed, but I live in America) are quoted verbatim from real tweets by Dinesh D'Souza. They represent only a glimpse of his body of tweets; I scrolled through only three days of tweets, and that was enough for me to both fill this review and lose all hope for the future of humanity. Now here's Landry:
I was really excited to read Dinesh D'Souza's new book, Lefty Loosey: And Other Reasons Why Hitler Was A Democrat, and I feel really refreshed after reading it because I'm just so tired of reading about politics. For those of you who haven't heard of him Dinesh D'Souza is a stand-up comedian whose style is pretty dry. Definitely drier. Dryer? Drier? Why is spelling so hard? than I'm used to, like sort of a Mitch Hedberg or Bob Newhart type of humor but even drier. Or Maria Bamford except less accessible. I honestly didn't get a lot of his jokes at first but I'm more of a Dane Cook kind of comedy fan but I think it's just great that Malarkey Books is publishing a joke book instead of the normal political fair because honestly we're all tired of politics. It's time to laugh and if you can't laugh hysterically at Dinesh D'Souza your soul has rotted away and you basically have nothing inside you besides crusty old boogers that are more dried up than D'Souza's jokes!
The book isn't really an escape from politics because a lot of his jokes touch on politics and in fact D'Souza's whole comic persona is a guy who knows just enough about history and politics to be able to misintepret Wikipedia articles and who is obsessed with convincing the whole world that everything bad that happens or ever has happened was because of leftists and the Democratic Party including 9\11, slavery, and cancer but at least you get to laugh for once. It is kind of a long book but he repeats himself a lot and mostly just quotes other people who have said nice things about him, people like the PizzaGate guy, Hsenid Azuos'd, and those Twitter ladies the White House pays to say nice stuff about Trump so it looks like he's not super racist against black people.
I don't know if you pay attention to football but D'Souza said something funny about football which is "The whole point of sports is to be a diversion and since the NFL refuses to let this be the case, what's the point of watching football?" I probably have to explain a lot of his jokes because they are so dry and so this one's funny because he misrepresents the point of sports and also he implies that the NFL should embrace authoritarianism! He also includes a meme about Colin Kaepernick, a football player whose name is hard to spell and who said "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color," and in response to that D'Souza quips, "IF HE ONLY HAD A BRAIN: He would say, 'I will never vote for the party that enslaved, segregated & terrorized blacks & people of color.'" One thing you might want to know about D'Souza is that he really hates to use periods but I'm putting them in at the end of his sentences even though he never does but I'm doing it so my sentences make sense which he doesn't have to do because he's a jokester. So anyway that joke was funny because Colin Kaepernick hates both major political parties and he didn't even vote!
There are people called fascists and people called anti-fascists and it's hard to know what's going on or what's the difference because a lot of times the fascists call the anti-fascists the fascists and of course the actual fascists do bad things like murder people and say we need to exterminate Jews and immigrants but sometimes the anti-fascists break windows so that's bad too and clearly D'Souza doesn't have any more understanding of what is happening in this world than I do so I guess that's comforting to me because I'm super confused but D'Souza has a pretty good joke about antifa. He likes to make jokes about them and someone said to him it's easy to infiltrate antifa because to paraphrase what that person said it's just a bunch of intellectually inferior gay and transgender people and D'Souza jokes, "I do have a pair of pink pants I can use. Mimicking their low IQs may be tougher." Period mine. I don't know why he hates periods. I'm starting to think there's some sort of sexual connection but we know Trump likes period sex but D'Souza worships Trump so why would periods bother D'Souza? I guess you'd call that an inconsistency in his character but aside from that he's a total pro. But anyway that joke works because there is literally no one dumber than D'Souza, or at least his persona, so the only difficulty he would have in mimicking anyone's low IQ would be in mimicking someone with a much higher IQ than he has. His jokes seem stupid but they have layers.
I don't want to reduce D'Souza to saying he's just a one-liner comic, but he has a lot of great one-liners that I'll just include right below and I'll probably have to explain them.
"Sometimes I get tired. I do. But I never get so tired that I want to stop being an American or fighting for what America means to the world" I'm just leaving this one uncorrected so you see what I'm talking about, his hatred of periods, but this one's funny because if anyone thought the things he says are meant to fight "for what America means to the world" that would be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo scary. Thank God he's joking!
"In regard to slavery Lincoln defined it as 'you work, I eat.' And isn't this even now the central platform of the Democratic Party?" This one's funny for the barbarous syntax but also because we wouldn't even have lunch breaks without the Democrats!
"The pathological hatred of Donald Trump on the part of the media is one of POTUS's greatest weapons, as I think he knows." It's like sometimes you're supposed to listen to music and the notes that don't get played are the ones you really hear, which I honestly don't understand at all but in this joke it's the punchline that doesn't get said that gets the biggest laugh because we all know Donald Trump's biggest weapon is the nuclear bomb and he can use it at any moment.
He says he has thought about running for political office and every day people ask him why he doesn't run and he says it's because "No one else is doing the work I'm trying to do. So I think I can do the most good continuing what I'm doing." It's funny but also too specific because in order to get the joke you have to know that in real life he has a felony conviction for making an illegal campaign contribution which probably doesn't prevent him from running for office and anyway don't be surprised if he's the next director of the Department of Health and Human Services.
"Many so-called neo-Nazis are fake Nazis. They don't know what socialism even means. Hitler would likely have gassed them as 'imbeciles.'" Does he think periods are a Democratic-Fascist invention and he doesn't use them as a form of #resistance? Hey Dinesh, I'm getting tired of being your unpaid proofreader!
I think this one is my favorite: "Nazi stands for National Socialist. If you're not a socialist, you can't be a Nazi. All Nazis are by definition on the political left." This one's funny because of the equivocation on the word "Socialist." The full name of the Nazi Party was the National Socialist German Workers' Party so if you follow D'Souza's joke logic then if you're not German or a worker you also can't be a Nazi and we all know that's not true because most Nazis in this country aren't really German and don't have jobs. What he's doing is pointing out how today's Nazis who don't like to be called Nazis turn around and call left-wing people Nazis and they use the word "socialism" as a way to make it sound like left-wingers who like socialism also like National Socialism, which is a different type of thing. It's like when Donald Trump tweets that Americans need to come together and the mainstream media thinks he's talking about unity but he's actually talking about an orgy.
"Obamacare--like Michael Myers--is proving very difficult to kill. Even so, this horror movie isn't over & there will be other chances." This one is funny because he just took the joke that liberals keep using about all the NobamaCare bills that keep dying in Congress after a lot of terror and struggle and he turned it into a trope that doesn't work at all because it has no parallels to the movie because in the movies Michael Myers keeps coming back but he's not the hero of the movies and that's what makes D'Souza's joke satire.
"Nixon knew if he courted Deep South racism he'd lose the rest of the country--his 'Southern strategy' was to appeal to the non-racist South." OK I don't know what the technical term for this is but it's like opposite-day kind of funny. Like you say the opposite of the truth and that's what makes it funny. Oh yeah, irony!
Probably his best joke is "Deep South went for Wallace. Nixon won non-racists in the Upper South. As South became LESS racist it became MORE Republican." This one's funny because if you go to the South they still to this day sell racist dolls and figurines in every gift shop.
His most famous joke is not just one joke, it's an entire book he wrote called The Big Lie. I never thought I would be quoting Hitler but that's what happens when you write about Dinesh D'Souza because Hitler created the concept of "The Big Lie" and he said in his book Mein Kampf that "in the big lie there is always a certain force of credibility; because the broad masses of a nation are always more easily corrupted in the deeper strata of their emotional nature than consciously or voluntarily; and thus in the primitive simplicity of their minds they more readily fall victims to the big lie than the small lie, since they themselves often tell small lies in little matters but would be ashamed to resort to large-scale falsehoods. It would never come into their heads to fabricate colossal untruths, and they would not believe that others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously." Hitler was saying that Jews did this, tricked people with the big lie, when in reality he was the one tricking people with his own big lie about the Jewish big lie and D'Souza does pretty much the same thing in his book except he says "liberals," "leftists," and "Democrats" when he means "Jews." The punchline of The Big Lie is that in the big lie you say something incredible, totally untrue and unfounded and ridiculous, but you say it with conviction and you say it over and over, just like Hitler did, and eventually people believe the lie and that's exactly what D'Souza does on almost every page of the book. As a gag, of course. It's a risky joke because in this age of mass literacy a lot of people are smart enough to read but not smart enough to identify intellectual humor so even though D'Souza's jokes really make you think there's always the chance that a lot of people won't be smart enough to get the jokes.
He's more than just a one-liner guy. He's what's called a concept comedian. I took a class about comedy because I thought it would be an easy A but I ended up getting a C. D'Souza's character is like Tony Clifton, the altar ego of Jim Carrey, or Stephen Colbert. Like Tony Clifton was supposed to be an untalented person who thought he was awesome and Stephen Colbert was basically a smart version of Bill O'Reilly. D'Souza is actually funnier than Colbert was because he's totally committed. His jokes aren't as funny and most of them don't make any sense but they're not supposed to because they're not constructed as jokes because they're the jokes of like a total doucherini, someone who's not intentionally funny but is only funny because he is so incredibly ridiculous. He never breaks character and he seems to spend all his free time fanboying the president and retweeting people who have read his book. He also likes to pretend to argue with leftist professors and his strategy is to just attack them with a string of insane claims and the professors always get this dumbfounded look and that's when he decides he's "won" the debate. Total commitment. He's not as haha funny as Colbert but that's because his satire is closer to the bone! D'Souza's stick is that if he said the stuff he says in earnest he'd probably be the stupidest human being who ever lived, unless there's anyone silly or pathetic enough to take him seriously, but it's all an act which makes it humorous! Maybe next year if Donald Trump is still president he can invite D'Souza to the White House Correspondents Dinner. The man, unfunny and embarrassingly stupid as he might appear to those not in on the joke, just might be a comic genius.
My rating: A+!
Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.