Posted by Landry
Inside Donald Trump: More Stuff I Could Get Away With
By Donald J. Trump
While it's true he made himself a lot richer by giving himself a big tax cut, Donald Trump's finances have been so dogged by mistress pay-offs, lost lawsuits, and hilariously bad business deals that even with all the money he gets from foreign leaders who stay at his hotel in D.C. to curry favor with and gain access to him, not to mention the millions of dollars in rent he still collects from HUD every year or the many more millions he’ll get from the sale of the publicly subsidized property in New York he co-owns that can’t be sold just yet without approval by the Trump administration, President Trump still needs a bunch more money because doing business with gangsters and kleptocrats is expensive. So he wrote another book and if you care about this country you'll read it. Inside Donald Trump, the forthcoming memoir by President Donald J. Trump, will be the first of a new genre of books called Inside Donald Trump. Tom Cotton, a senator from Arkansas, just got a book deal worth between $600,000 and $900 million from FashPoint, the new alt-nazi imprint of Simon and Schuster, for Inside Donald Trump: The Tom Cotton Story, which will detail his views on the Trump presidency from his unique perspective of living inside Trump's asshole. And of course the Big Five are currently jockeying for the rights, controlled by the U.S. Department of Corrections, of the story of a person whose identity we don't even know yet: Donald Trump's future cellmate. All we know at this point is it'll also be called Inside Donald Trump. Having read Donald Trump's Inside Donald Trump, which is a sequel to Stuff I Could Get Away With, published by Malarkey Books in 2017, I am confident that Trump's book will be one of the best in this fascinating new genre.
President Trump initially wanted to title this book More Stuff I Could Get Away With because most of the book, which the editor compiled from hundreds of hours of the president’s late-night ramblings into a microwave that Trump thought had a recording device in it but really one of his aides just put a tape recorder on top of it, is just him describing more stuff he could get away with without alienating his base. Stuff like "I could, if I wanted to, perform the State of the Union address entirely in Russian and they wouldn't blink an eye. For most of my supporters, Russian is their native language anyway, so they would think it was terrific."
He argues, insightfully, that his remaining supporters are so loyal to him that there's almost nothing he could do to drive them away. For example, Trump could go on TV on Easter Sunday and raise up a Bible and say, "My fellow Americans, there is no God but Trump, no religion but Trump, and the people would eat it up. You'd have Paula White out there, you'd have Franklin Graham, you'd have Baby Falwell, and they'd be amening and kneeling before me, begging to kiss my feet. And I might let them. I might let them."
The President of the United States of America lets his imagination run free in creating a variety of truly disgusting thought experiments. For instance, "I could force a whore dressed in a slutty Statue of Liberty costume to jerk me off onto a crumpled American flag. And then I could set the flag on fire and tell her to put out the flames by pissing on them. My supporters would hail me as a great patriot. All I have to do is say 'God bless America.'"
Honestly, it gets hard to read when he's running through some of these thought experiments. I'm not going to quote the most nauseating ones, like what he says he could do to female soldiers without offending his base, but I will point out that he's probably correct when he says, "I could wipe my ass with the Constitution, the original copy of the Constitution, and they would cheer. They'd cheer. It would be tremendous. I could burn a cross on the White House lawn. They'd love it. They would weep with joy. I could get an underage girl pregnant, force her to get an abortion, and broadcast her abortion on Fox News. I would say, 'She threatened to raise the kid as a Democrat.' And my people would love it. They'd love it. It would be tremendous."
All that stuff is true but it's sort of the same old same old but the reason the book is called Inside Donald Trump is because the book's editor decided there were one or two moments of introspection that made the book a little deeper, more literary, than Stuff I Could Get Away With. I have to agree and not just because the book's editor is my boss. Trump really does seem to be looking within at times: "People are showing so much sympathy for immigrants. For minorities. For 'victims' of sexual assault. For people who are being oppressed. For people who are being murdered by autocratic rulers I like to invite for sleepovers at the White House. But no one ever shows sympathy for me. There is no one, no one in the recorded history of human civilization, who has ever been more deserving of sympathy than me. Here I am, in a job I never wanted, a job I am literally the worst at. Ever. And yes I could get away with all these horrible things that I love, but I'm also trapped. I could never, if I wanted to, I mean, express sympathy for the plight of families that have been torn apart by my needlessly draconian immigration policies. I could never apologize to the workers who voted for me thinking I could save their jobs, only to find themselves laid off once I was president. I could never apologize to the women I personally sexually assaulted and harassed. And that goes double for the teenage girls I raped. I could never say I'm sorry for raping underage girls at a sex party at the apartment of a known pervert and sex criminal, not without losing the support of my base. I could never say, ‘You know what, I’ve had it with these Nazis, and David Duke and Richard Spencer can both go fuck themselves. Milo, too, that disgusting racist toady.’ I couldn't show an ounce of humanity if I wanted to. Where's my sympathy? Where's my pity?"
Like I said: Deep. As. Fuck.
It's really important for everyone to buy at least one copy of this book because if Trump can't pay off his debts the next option is to sell the United States to Amazon and I don't want to have to wear one of those tacky surveillance bracelets.
My rating: A+!.
Dumbass disclaimer: I shouldn’t have to say that the above review is fictional, that I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster, but the above review is fictional and I’m using it as a vehicle to make fun of something, a political figure, society, Simon & Schuster. While it should be taken seriously, it should not be taken as factual. It should maybe make you think, lead you to some deeper understanding of the world, or at least make you snort against your will in awkward laughter, but please understand that it’s fictional. The book that my fictional intern is describing is fucking fictional. Given the state of the publishing industry and the fading line between reality and parody, I can’t reasonably expect readers to make the distinction between what’s real and what’s tongue-in-cheek, and while it would make part of me happy to know that there’s someone gullible enough to believe the books I’m pretending are forthcoming are real, most of me would just be sad. I’m sad enough already.