No. 23

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Mooch. You don't have to be able to suck your own dick to get a job in the Trump White House; you just have to be able speak clearly enough to be understood by reporters while sucking Trump's dick*. Then it's just a matter of finding the right publisher.


It's been a few weeks since my last advice column on how to get a book deal. I've been busy with work and family and other projects, but I've also been keeping my eyes on some stupid book deals. I'm back today with what could be, assuming it happens, the stupidest book deal of the twenty-first century. It'll certainly be in the top one hundred.

Anthony Scaramucci had the skill of fellationunciation, the ability to be understood by reporters while sucking Trump's dick, which is small enough, to be fair, to make the trick not that impressive. He got canned not because he was bad at his job, although of course he was, but because he talked too much. Scaramucci didn't last very long in the White House, but it was probably long enough to get a book deal. I will note that he hasn't gotten a book deal yet, but I'm writing about it now so I'll be ready to repost this when he does get a book deal. I think I'm going to try to get an advanced copy and review the shit out of it, too. I don't know what he's going to write about. What more does he have to say beyond what he blabbed to Ryan Lizza of The New Yorker?

Scaramucci is a natinal embarrassment. He doesn't deserve a book deal, which makes it all the more likely that he'll get one.

*The most skilled person in this category is Senator Tom Cotton, a Republican from Arkansas.

©Alan Good 2017