Episode 18: Both Sides Need to Tone Down the Rhetoric

“We don’t agree on much, Bo—"

“That ain’t true!”

“But at least we can agree that whoever is mailing out these pipe bombs and sending them to prominent Democrats and critics of the president is a piece of shit.”

“Sure, sure, on that we can definitely agree. As long as this alleged piece of shit turns out to be a Democrat running a false flag operation designed to make Republicans look bad.”

“Um, in that rather improbable scenario, yes, that person would be a total piece of shit.”

“Glad we see eye to eye on that one. Good job on closing your liberal empathy gap you disgusting, subhuman commie.”

“And in the less farfetched version in which the perpetrator is some magaheaded Trump fanboy?”

“Huh? What’s your question? Did you ask a question?”

“If the magabomber is a Republican, what do we think of him?”

“HERO!”

Episode 17: Civility

"Wuddup cuckboy."

"Bo."

"Fucking libtards. Y'all're a bunch of pedo scumbag babykillers. You used to be intelligent but then you aligned yourself with the forces of evil and tax slavery and political correctness. You got no balls now, snowflake soy boy. No balls. Hey, you want a drink of my coffee. See, it's really coffee but my coffee cup says 'Liberal tears' on it so it looks like I made you pussies cry and now I'm drinking your tears but like I said it's actually coffee. You want to hang out or do you need to go to your safe space?"

"Shut the fuck up, bitch."

"Whuh?"

"I said shut the fuck up, you fucking climate-change-denying, immigrant-bashing, separating-families-and-putting-kids-in-cages-supporting, disinformation-spreading, bullshit-believing, discrimination-loving, voter-suppressing, worker-hating, slavery-nostalgizing, pollution-loving, plutocrat-worshipping, cop-ass-kissing, authoritarian-leaning, gun-humping, dumb-as-fuck, shit-eating, racist, sexist, homophobic, disingenuous-ass motherfucker. I'm tired of your bullshit and I'm embarrassed to live on the same planet as you."

"You know, when you call names, it really, really hurts my feelings. What ever happened to civility?"


©Alan Good 2018

Episode 16: Independent Thinker

"The Far Left is driven by hatred and anger—we must counter it with optimism—"

"Hold up, you're just quoting the governor of Wisconsin. You're reading from a script."

"No I'm not. I'm an independent thinker. All my ideas are my own."

"I can see it. I can see the script."

"No you can't."

"Whatever. He's not completely wrong. I am angry. I do hate him. I do hate Trump. I don't know if I hate you, but I'm angry as fuck at you and all the chickenshit dumbasses who voted for Trump—or any Republican. I'm angry because I work hard, my wife works hard, to build a good future for our children, and you fuckers are working even harder to destroy that future. Johnson declared war on poverty. Reagan declared war on drugs. Trump has declared war on children."

"You're blinded by anger, libfuck. You can't even think straight. Why don't you give an example of how conservatives are destroying the future? Ha, you can't."

"We were taking action on climate change, probably not even enough, but at least our government acknowledged it and was trying to do something. Now the government denies the existence of climate change and is undoing what little progress we'd made. Trump is sabotaging my children's future, and yeah that makes me angry."

"Whatever, cuckhole, 'climate change' isn't even real so you're angry over nothing. You only believe in 'climate change,' or 'global warming,' because you've been told to believe in it by The Mainstream Media. If you were an independent thinker like me you'd know that there was a blizzard on the East coast this year so there's no such thing as 'global warming.' If anything—"

Bo turns the page.

"Hang on, I lost my spot. Bam, there it is: If anything, there's a global cooling."

"All of the major oil companies have known about global warming since the eighties and have spent millions of dollars on a decades-long disinformation campaign to downplay or discredit scientific information about global warming."

Bo runs his finger down the page until he finds what he's looking for.

"Global warming is just a hoax."

"Explain to me how ninety-nine percent of scientists accept global warming as a fact. They might disagree about what to do about it, but they believe in it."

Bo flips through his pages.

"Hang on. Hang on. Er, 'But her emails'—no. 'Job-killing regulations'—no. 'What about the babies?'—No. Bam, there it is: 'Ninety-nine percent of scientists are actually alien lizard people.' Suck it! Independent thinkers RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE!"

 

Episode 15: Lucinda

"Sorry if this triggers you, libtard, but it's time to arm the teachers because the only—"

"Bo."

"—thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Not that I think teachers are good guys. I actually hate them because they're brainwashing our children and—"

"Bo."

"—wasting taxpayer dollars and taxation is slavery so giving them guns makes the most sense because their job should really just be security guards. You can cite all the teachers who have already shot themselves, by accident, in class, but we all know those were all false flag operations. Teachers who deliberately shot themselves in the foot as a way to make the idea of giving guns to teachers look dumb."

"Bo."

"Y'all libtards is always whining about safe spaces. Well, that's what we're trying to do. Turning every school into a heavily fortified safe space. It's all about protecting the children."

"Bo!!!!"

"What?"

"Why is your big-ass Rambo gun wearing a leash and a vest?"

"This here's Lucinda. Lucinda's my new emotional support rifle."


©Alan Good 2018

Episode 14: Trigger Words

"It's not a gun problem. It's a people problem. Because guns don't kill people, people kill people. Taking the guns won't solve the problem."

"I don't want to take your guns away. I'm just saying, I guess if that's your thing I'm happy for you, but just because your .45 has a wide enough hole for you to stick your dick in doesn't mean you should do it. Also that's not what gun lubricant is for."

"Typical libcuck. Hates the Second Amendment."

"I don't hate the Second Amendment. I do sort of hate you. But that doesn't mean I want to see you shoot your dick off. Well, maybe a little bit, but I also don't want to give up on the idea that you're still in there somewhere, that behind this cultish devotion to guns, Trump, and white grievance, there's still the old Bo. But seriously, stop sticking your dick inside your gun."

"Mental illness."

"What about mental illness?"

"Did I just randomly say 'mental illness'? Damn. Whenever libtards say 'gun' I'm conditioned to say 'mental illness.' It's a trigger word. One of the last remaining perks of my NRA membership. Here's the truth, libcuck, and I'm only telling you because we're old friends. Have you ever heard the phrase 'Liberalism is a mental illness'?"

"Pretty much every time I see you I hear it."

"And you've noticed how the NRA is really focused on keeping guns out of the hands of mentally ill people? You follow?"

"So they want to make it so that only right-wing gun fetishists can own guns?"

"Mental illness. Exactly. So that when it's time destroy the libtards you won't be able to defend yourselves."

"Yeah we knew that already, but thanks for confirming our suspicions."

"You're welcome. Hey!" 

"So if 'gun'—" 

"Mental illness."

"—is a trigger word, are you saying you were brainwashed?"

"But her emails."

"Holy—"

"The pope is a Marxist plant."

"—fucknoodle."

"Make America Great Again!"

"What?"

"What?"

"Let me try that again. Fucknoodle."

"Make America Great Again!"

"Jesus Christ."

"Jesus was white!"

"This is a nightmare."

"Obama rigged the election that's treason!"

 "Hey, what's the deal with that creepy black van up there? No don't go over there."

"I have to. I've said too much."

"You've said too much? What does that mean? Oh God, we're all fucked."

"Ivanka 2024!"


©Alan Good 2018

Episode 13: Where the Talking Points End

"You libcuck assholes can have my gun when you pry it out of my cold dead hand."

"We don't want to take your guns away and we don't want to ban guns. We just want to enact sane policies that a vast majority of Americans, including responsible gun owners like myself, agree on. It's not about attacking the Second Amendment. It's about stopping our schools from being war zones. Students are fed up with worrying about being slaughtered in the hallways."

"Oh you Lefties are so concerned about students being slaughtered in the hallways but do you know that abortion kills more people than guns every year?"

"Maybe instead of trying to derail each others' arguments with red herrings all the time Americans could decide to compromise and work together to reduce the numbers of abortions and gun deaths."

"Are you stupid? Why would my side want to reduce the numbers of abortion and gun deaths when abortion and gun violence are only tools we have to get our guys elected? You fucking libtards are hilarious!"


©Alan Good 2018

Episode 12: Gun Lover

"You Fascist Communists all want to ban assault rifles. Thing is, you don't know what you're talking about. You want to ban 'Assault Rifles' but you don't have a clear definition of the term. You just think the 'AR' in 'AR-15' stands for 'assault rifle' but it don't. It stands for 'ArmaLite Rifle.' See the problem?"

"Shouldn't it be the 'ALR-15' then?"

"Stop quibbling."

"You're upset because you think I think 'AR' stands for 'assault rifle' but in the same breath you called me a 'Fascist Communist,' two philosophies that are incompatible with each other, neither of which describe me. Do you see the problem?"

...

"I said 'Do you see the problem?'"

...

"Bo. Bo. BO!"

"Huh? What?"

"It's sort of hard to talk to you when you're tonguing the inside of the nozzle of your assault rifle like that. Jesus fuck, the fucking safety's off, too. You're breaking so many rules of gun safety right now."

"Bitch don't lecture me on guns you don't even know what 'AR' stands for!


©Alan Good 2018

Episode 11: National Poll

"You look happy, Bo. You win the Publishers Clearinghouse thing?"

"Actually, libhole, I been selected by the Trump campaign to represent my state in deciding the issues that are most important to, in 2020, make America Great Again, Again. Here, I'm too nervous. You read the questions to me. Put that fancy college degree to some use finally."

Editor's note: Bo also has a college degree, but the for-profit college he got it from lost its accreditation and went out of business.

"Sure, the first one says 'What, in your opinion, is President Trump's greatest accomplishment so far?' Is it A . . . ."

"That's easy. Owning libs!"

"So, D. OK. Next one is 'Of all the FAKE NEWS news media organizations trying to stop President Trump from Making America Great, which one would you most like to see shut down with all its reporters and editors jailed?' Is it . . . ."

"All of them!"

"That's—right, actually. That was the only option."

"I love this country again!"

"All right, last one. This one says, 'If President Trump came in your mouth, would you spit or swallow?'"

"Does it really say that?"

"Sure. Of course it totally says that. It says it right here, 'If President Trump came in your mouth, would you spit or swallow?'"

"Is there room to write in an answer?"

"Um, sure. Yep, right there. There's definitely room."

"OK, check option C and write in 'Save for later.'"

Episode 10: Anti-Semantics

"I ain't racist. I'm tired of y'all libcunts telling me I'm racist. I ain't fucking racist, I just want people who come to this country to follow the LAWS of this country. Is that too fucking much to ask?"

"Sort of like how some people want men to follow the laws around sexual consent before they go touching people's genitals?"

"Goddamnit that's different. That's the trouble with you libronis, you take everything literally. You're obsessed with words and what they mean when Real Americans usually just use words to disguise our true feelings."

"Like when you say you want religious liberty but really you want religious rule?"

"Righto progtard. All of a sudden you're paying attention. I just say I want immigrants to follow our laws because I don't want to sound racist. I'm a Republican, which is code for Anarcho-Capitalist, so I only care about laws when it's convenient for me to do so and pussy-grabbing laws are inconvenient for me. Otherwise how would I ever get any pussy? Think, libhole! Laws to keep inferior races out of my country—good. Laws about whose pussies I can grab and when—bad, bad, and intrusive as fuck. Treading the fuck out of my rights."

"Your rights to just assault whomever you want?"

"There you go again, twisting my words. Putting words in my mouth. I never said 'assault.' I don't even believe in sexual assault."

"Jesus fuck. So you are racist?"

"What? Are you slow? I just said I ain't racist. Listen to my damn words, cunt-tard. Stop trying to read deeper meanings into what I say, broflake, cuz I'm a straight-talker and I say what I mean and I mean what I say and I just fucking said I ain't racist, it's like we don't even speak the same language.”

Episode 9: Anti(fa)climactic

"You remember that guy Patrick from school?"

"Sure."

"Heard he's antifa now and I'm gonna kick his ass."

"Pretty sure he doesn't live around here anymore."

"If you see him tell him I'm gonna kick his ass at four o'clock."

"OK, but I think he moved to Canada because this country's one dip in the stock markets away from being the Hunger Games."

"If he even has the guts to fight me. Pussy."

NEXT DAY

"Just like I thought he didn't have the guts to show up and fight me. All these antifa cucks are pussies."

"Actually I called his mom. Turns out he's an astronaut and he's on the International Space Station. He's not even on the planet, Bo, so I hardly think—"

"Yeah, what a pussy. I just owned the fuck outta that pustard!”

Episode 8: Knee Jerk

"So mad. I'm jest SO MAD."

"It's just a flag. A piece of cloth that was probably made in China."

"No it's more than 'just a flag.' It's a symbol of everything good about this country. Of everything I believe in. Of everything that makes this country great."

"OK, but someone kneeling instead of standing isn't really disrespectful."

"You think this is about kneeling? Believe me, I like to see black men on their knees. I'd rather see the cheerleaders on their knees but that's a different story!"

"So what are you actually so mad about?"

"America was built on the subjugation, exploitation, and destruction of black bodies and when you turn around and say those bodies have value, they're not just things to be fetishized but ultimately used and discarded without mercy, or ambulatory backstops for cops' bullets, then you dishonor the flag and all the veterans who fought to defend it."

"Including black veterans."

"Libtard please."

Episode 7: A Tale of Two Griffins

This one's from June 2, 2017:

"You libcucks've gone too far with this picture of Kathy Griffin and the MAGA's bloody head. It's just disgusting."

"Not unlike your Halloween display which featured effigies of Barack Obama hanging from a sycamore and Hillary Clinton being raped by a griffin."

"That was different. That Halloween display was art. It made a statement."

"Was the statement that Obama should be lynched and Hillary Clinton should be raped by a griffin?"

"Damn, boy, you're smarter'n I thought you was."

Episode 6: The Echo Chamber of Horrors

"Same old shit. Same old shit. Trump is a threat to democracy. Trump is a threat to the planet. Global warming. Women's rights. Human rights? Immigrant rights. Bringing back torture. Putin. Bankruptcy. Grabbin' em by the pussy. Blah blah blibbety doo. This is the problem with you libtards. You get all your facts from the same biased sources. You live in a bubble. You just pick up stuff from the left-wing echo chamber and repeat it like it's a known fact when it's always a bunch of shit."

"Left-wing echo chamber. You know where you got that phrase 'left-wing echo chamber?' The fucking right-wing echo chamber."

"No I didn't, I heard it on Alex Jones."

"Who is one of the loudest voices in the right-wing echo chamber."

"Whore's shit."

"I'm sorry, did you just say 'whore's shit?'"

"Whore's shit. Whore's shit whore's shit whore's shit."

"OK it's horseshit. Horse. Shit."

"You know what? There's another kind of chamber I'd like to put you in."

"You're going to say gas chamber aren't you?"

"Gas chamber."

"Do you ever wonder why people say—"

"Jew-S-A! Jew-S-A! Jew-S-A!"

Episode 5: Civil Obedience

"All these libtards protesting Trump's election. Makes me sick."

"People have a right to protest. People are pissed off. People are scared. Trump got twenty-five percent of the people in this country to vote for him. Clinton actually got a slightly higher percentage. She got more votes than he did, she just didn't win the motherfucking electoral college votes she needed."

"Acting like spoiled babies. Just cause they don't get their way they're out there carrying on the streets. It's a damn embarrassment. Trump won. Get over it."

"What were you going to do if you didn't get your way?"

"Burn down a mosque but that's different."

Episode 4: Prolife4Life!

"Am I comfortable with all his remarks? Hell no but he don't mean half the stuff he says. The most important thing for me is he says he's against abortion. He's prolife."

"Abortion rates declined under Obama."

"According to what? Facts? The Meanstream Media?"

"I guarantee abortion will increase under President The Donald, in part because of counterproductive policies driven by ideologues in Congress but also because a number of women aren't going to want to bring a new person into a world in which Donald Trump can be president."

"Your mother should've aborted you."

Episode 3: Policy Wonk

"I know you think she's a lyin' bitch who needs to be raped in prison because I can read your t-shirt, but can you tell me a specific policy position of Hillary's with which you disagree, that you think will be harmful to the U.S.?"

"She's corrupt."

"But that's not a policy position, it's a character slam that her detractors throw at her. I mean, a Trump supporter saying Hillary Clinton is unsuitable to be president because she's corrupt—surely you can see the irony in that?"

"---."

"That's right, you can't. Sorry. But one policy position that you disagree with?"

"Can you? Can you tell me one policy position of Trump's you disagree with? Cause all I hear you people saying is racist, racist, pussy-grabber."

"Trump has stated multiple times that torture works, that he supports torture and would like to bring it back into use. Torture is against my personal values, but it's also against international law and stands in direct conflict with American laws and values. I know it's hard for you to believe because I don't have an American flag sprouting out of my butt, but I take being an American very seriously. I'm not proud of being an American because it wasn't an accomplishment, I was just born into it. But beyond morality and law, we know torture isn't effective, except as a propaganda tool used by terrorists to recruit more terrorists."

"Pretty words, but they're just words. I hear these words, but they're just words."

"So I've given you a specific policy of Trump's that I disagree with and that I am certain would be harmful to the U.S. Your turn."

"She wants to abolish the Second Amendment."

"But that's not true. She favors certain types of gun control, but she doesn't want to abolish the Second Amendment. And if she did she couldn't. A president can't change the Constitution. This is my fault because I wasn't specific enough: can you name one actual policy position with which you disagree?"

"She's a demon."

"Again, not true, but also not a policy."

"Demonology. It is true. She's a demon and her policy is to hand control of the U.S. government to Satan himself so he can launch a nuclear attack on God."

"Where did you even come up with this?"

"We all knew it, we all had suspicions, but high-placed sources confirmed it to Alex Jones."

"High-placed sources? In the Clinton campaign?"

"No, high-placed sources. High-placed sources. Sources from the high place."

"You mean heaven?"

"Now you're getting it. You see, Hillary Clinton is the Anti-Christ."

"I thought you all believed Obama is the Anti-Christ."

"Nah, Obama's the Ante-Anti-Christ."

Episode 2: Name-calling

"You people talk about Trump and all the nasty stuff he says, but Hillary is mean. She's just mean-hearted and hateful. You never talk about the stuff she says. The name-calling. She's dragging the level of public discourse down to a second-grade level. I'm still just mad as hell. I can't believe that cunt called us deplorable."

"It was a stupid thing to say, even if it was sort of true."

"It makes me mad enough to shoot an immigrant. Oh hell, I'm almost late for church."

Episode 1: On the Nature of Tyranny

"I hate Obama because he's a tyrant."

"You're not concerned with the way Trump seems to admire Putin?"

"No."

"Even though Putin's a tyrant?"

"No he isn't."

"He definitely displays some tyrannical tendencies. He's at least a bit of a tyrant."

"He can't be."

"Do you know what 'tyrant' means?"

"Not the dictionary definition per se. It's just code for n*****."


Editor's note: I really don't want to write the n-word, but I also hate to write "the n-word."

©Alan Good 2018