Everything on this page is copyright © 2018 by Alan Good. This will all be in a book one day. You're welcome to quote any of these definitions as long as you do it correctly. To find definitions that might not be included below, follow @MalarkeyBooks on Twitter. This dictionary is a work in progress, and, I guess I should say this so I don't run afoul of Poe's Law, most of the definitions are satirical, sardonic, farcical, or something like that.
Adjunct instructor, n.: an intern with an advanced degree.
Alcoholism, n.: the main driver of the economy.
America First, n.: 1. a slogan used prior to WWII by Americans who didn’t want to fight Nazis. 2. the foreign policy of modern American Nazis.
Amnesty, n.: what we gave to the Rebs after their defeat in the War of Southern Traitorism; they subsequently gave amnesty a bad name, thus depriving future generations of more deserving groups of people of the chance to receive it.
Artificial Intelligence, n.: good enough for most folk.
Authentic, adj.: skillfully plagiarized or almost indecipherably phony.
Baseball, n.: 1. a ball that represents the pinnacle of human evolution. 2. a sport that represents the culmination of geometry, athletics, and poetry (even if it’s been sort of degraded by instant replay).
Example: “The dissolution of democracy accelerated after football overtook baseball as America’s most popular sport.”
Bedbug, n.: evidence against the theory of a benevolent deity.
Example: from John 3:16-17: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believed in Him should not perish but have eternal life. Yet for God so sort of hated the people He'd created that He gave them bedbugs."
Big Government, n.: any form of government that infringes on the rights of corporations to exploit their workers.
Billionaire, n.: 1. a person with enough money to portray a criminal empire as a successful business. 2. a god.
Bipartisan, adj.: bad for workers.
Boots, n.: used to kick and/or stomp Nazis and plutocrats.
Bootstraps, n.: the little straps on boots you use to help pull your boots (see BOOTS) onto your feet; they have no other use.
Border security, n: as ineffable as the soul, it is a thing never achieved nor truly desired, but still useful as a way to waste money and rally White voters.
Bullshit, n.: The American Dream.
Capital, n.: the hoarding of resources by motherfucking megalomaniacs who don’t know what to do with their money other than shoot it into space.
Capitalism, n.: a polytheistic religion in which the gods are billionaires worshipped by believers who flagellate themselves with debt.
Centrist, n.: 1. one who takes pride in valuing objectivity (see OBJECTIVE) over decency or reality. 2. offensive a slur used to dismiss people who don't share one's passion or ideology.
Children, n.: they make life both unbearable and worth living.
Civility, n.: socially acceptable toadyism.
Committee, n.: a combination of Purgatory and Hell, but sometimes there’s snacks.
Communism, n.: a political philosophy based primarily on pointing out the similarities of the Democratic and Republican parties.
Compassion, n.: the quality of caring about and going easy on people who share your subculture.
Conservatism, n.: an ideology the main tenet of which is that if the government spends billions of dollars on border security (see BORDER SECURITY), pouring out water jugs left by kind people for migrants crossing the desert, and hunting, imprisoning, and deporting undocumented taxpayers then the United States can finally have a balanced budget.
Conservative, adj.: 1. adhering to the tenets of CONSERVATISM. 2. having the ability to believe that Jesus calls you to love and be kind and generous to everyone, even your neighbors and enemies, while at the same time believing that a just society can only be achieved if everyone acts selfishly.
Conspiracy theory, n.: a lie spread to make other lies look reasonable or believable.
Crowd-funding, n.: the only healthcare plan with bipartisan approval.
Crypto-fascist, n.: 1. (obsolete) a reactionary conservative who extolls fascist policies and ideas but who would take umbrage at being described as a fascist; nowadays all the crypto-fascists are just fascists but they call themselves identitarians (see IDENTITARIAN) and principled conservatives (see CONSERVATISM). 2. a generic term for Nazi sasquatch.
Cult, n.: an unauthorized religion.
Culture warrior, n.: an uncultured coward.
Death, n.: the natural state of all beings; what sex is to beer commercials, death is to religion.
Debate, n.: an exchange of insults and shouting concluding with all participants declaring victory.
Democracy, n.: dissociative identity disorder on a societal scale.
Democrats, n.: a political party which specializes in losing unloseable elections.
Depression, n.: 1. a consequence of awareness. 2. the most efficient weapon of the owner class.
Drain the Swamp, v.: (vulgar) to urinate and defecate on someone's chest during sex, followed by ejaculation upon the pile of runny ordure.
Duty, n.: a pretext for doing or saying something horrible or stupid but probably both.
Earth, n.: a death rock hurtling toward oblivion.
Echo Chamber, n.: a word used by people whose beliefs are reinforced by the news and views with which they surround themselves to dismiss people who disagree with them.
Economic Anxiety, n.: 1. alternate spelling of xenophobia. 2. a condition characterized by the rational desire to maximize one's earnings combined with the irrational desire for other workers' wages to be kept as low as possible in order to keep the prices of goods and services low. 3. alternate spelling of solipsism. 4. a condition characterized by putting “Hillary for Prison” and Infowars stickers on your business vehicle.
Elitist, adj.: supporting ideals like egalitarianism, fair wages, paid family leave, universal free preschool, universal healthcare, access to affordable or free higher education, and art and music in schools.
Enhanced interrogation, n.: a politically correct euphemism for torture.
Eternity, n.: the source of all terror.
Evidence, n.: data or information that supports one’s conclusion. Antonym: FABRICATION.
Evolve, v.: to oppose a policy, program, or bill until you’re ready to cash in.
Expert, n.: a person who gets quoted in the newspaper or gets to talk on TV.
Fabrication, n.: data or information that contradicts one’s conclusion
Fact, n.: information that reinforces a person's basest and most baseless beliefs.
Example: Concerned that he would be perceived as an idiotic, delusional, racist piece of shit traitor due to his rabid support of an idiotic, delusional, racist piece of shit traitor president, Jack decided to defend himself with some facts: “The fact is,” he said, “I support Trump because he knows the meaning of hard work and he’s getting all the stuff done that the idiot-in-chief before him didn’t get done, like purging the government of lizard alien people and allowing Christians to practice their faith again. The fact is for eight years I was not allowed to say ‘Merry Christmas.’ All the biased people hate Trump because they’re biased. Me, I let the facts do the talking.”
Fake News, n.: information that conflicts with one's worldview.
Fiction, n.: the art of telling lies to show the truth.
Fiscal Conservatism, n.: political philosophy that postulates that we can't afford to offer free universal preschool or healthcare because we need to give to the money for the military and Pentagon to pay for contractors, unnecessary aircraft that doesn't work right and never gets used, and Viagra.
Free, adj.: not costing anything other than your privacy.
Free, n.: possessed of the means to own at least seventeen guns.
Freedom, n.: permission to wear jeans on Fridays.
Freedom of speech, n.: the inalienable right of all people who agree with you to say things you want to hear.
Free Thinker, n.: 1. one who has no foundation for one’s beliefs and positions other than whim, personality, or self-interest. 2. one who found philosophy on YouTube.
Free-thinking, adj.: of or related to doing whatever Jordan Peterson tells you to.
Friend-zone, v.: to tell a man who says he wants a romantic or sexual relationship with you that you only see him as a friend but you definitely value his friendship—because even though you don't really want to be friends with him or ever talk to or see him again you don't feel comfortable rejecting him outright because you're afraid that if you'll do he'll rape and/or murder you.
Fuckup, n.: meant to be pejorative but in reality a term of honor because to be anything other than a fuckup is to be either a fool or a monster. “Fuckup” should not be hyphenated.
Global Warming, n.: God's revenge.
Hashtag, n.: along with the retweet, the secret weapon in the fight against Fascism.
Honor, n.: a hypothetical concept.
Hoodie, n.: a wearable hug.
Hope, n.: a prelude to depression (see DEPRESSION).
Hot Take, n.: an opinion that is considered disagreeable or inconvenient.
Human Beings, n.: God's two-footed satirical parody of Himself.
Independence, n.: when the government can’t tell you what to do but your boss can make you pee in a cup whenever he feels like it.
Independent thinker, n.: one who is easily manipulated.
Individuality, n.: the quality of being just like everybody else only with a little extra flair.
Infallible, adj.: not capable of being wrong when papal statements align with one’s biases.
Example: “The pope is infallible in regard to the Church’s teaching on transgenders because that’s dogma but when he criticizes capitalism that’s not dogma, he’s just a Marxist plant.”
Innovation, n.: the act of doing the same thing in the same old ways but under the umbrella of a nice-sounding word.
Integrity, n.: an impediment to success.
Intern, n.: definitely not a slave, just someone who performs labor without the guarantee of monetary compensation, but definitely not a slave.
Intellectual diversity, n.: affirmative action for reactionaries, misogynists, and rebranded fascists.
Internet freedom, n.: the right of internet providers to block content and charge creators extra money if they want people to actually be able to see their creations.
Irony, adj.: made of some type of metal but you're not really sure which.
Jiggery-pokery, n.: 1. the legacy of former Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, whose death, along with racism, xenophobia, misogyny, hypocrisy, fanaticism, evil, cybertreason, and shithole-loads of jiggery-pokery, carried Donald Trump to the presidency. 2. a way to trick journalists into focusing on an eccentric vocabulary word instead of the asinine, regressive, and mean-spirited legal reasoning of an egomaniacal, fanatical Supreme Court justice.
Joke-blindness, n.: cognitive disorder affecting millions of Americans in which sufferers are incapable of identifying (or telling) jokes. The condition also impairs the ability to recognize sarcasm, satire, or facetiousness. Most prominent among conservatives, which is how Tim Allen got a career in comedy.
Liberal, n.: the only thing scarier to conservatives than immigrants, terrorism, and eternity; the irony is that liberals are only dangerous to other liberals due to a propensity for eating their own kind.
Liberal Fascism, n.: an example of I-am-rubber-you-are-glue politics whereby conservatives and fascists, hurt over being called fascists, say “Actually, liberals are the real fascists.” Jonah Goldberg wrote a whole book based on this strategy.
Libertarian, n.: a conservative whose worldview is centered around South Park quotes rather than white identity politics.
Liberty, n.: a popular name for girls.
Life, n.: a form of entertainment that is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, short, and mostly adverts.
Loneliness, n.: the feeling of being alive.
MAGA, n.: onomatopoeia the death rattle of democracy.
Example: “I asked a Trump supporter what he thought of the president’s speech. He couldn’t speak or articulate anything. He could only produce guttural garbage, but with his dying breath he seemed to say, ‘MAGA,’ and as the sun rose he grimaced and exploded into ash.”
Mansplaining, n.: neologism 1. a form of rhetorical sabotage. 2. the portmanteau that's finally going to take down the patriarchy.
Fun fact: the word “mansplaining” was invented by the Koch brothers, who planted “writers” at Salon.com so the word would be used every day and spread online by liberal puritans, thus ensuring that Americans would be so annoyed by left-leaning linguistic bandwagon-hoppers that they would vote for Donald Trump, whose one virtue is that he doesn’t use the word “mansplaining.”
Example in sentence form: "Jeepers, I sure am glad it was Johnny who questioned the validity of my argument because I just didn't have the time or inclination to debate at that moment and I couldn't have just dismissed Susan, had she been the one to challenge me, by accusing her of mansplaining."
Memoir, n.: the French word for autoeroticism.
Meritocracy, n.: a system in which those who are born with extra advantages are rewarded for their skill, hard work, and intelligence, and it's too bad those losers who were born at the bottom didn't work harder because anyone can rise to the top if you just put your nose to the grindstone while working your butt off as you pull yourself up by your bootstraps (see BOOTSTRAPS).
Militia, n.: a social club for aspiring cop-killers.
Militia member, n.: a terrorist who is white.
Misconstrue, v.: to reveal the farcical nature of an argument in a way that compels the argument’s proponent(s) to reframe, without unfarcifying, the original argument.
Ex.: State Sen. Bob Gardner said that his bill to ban teachers’ strikes has been misconstrued. He says it’s not about silencing teachers but about undermining their ability to advocate for themselves.
Nachos, n.: 1. the last good thing. 2. proof that everyone who opposes multiculturalism is fucking evil.
Nationalism, n.: form of dramatic irony in which the dregs show extreme pride in a nation that takes no pride in them.
Neoliberal, n.: a Randian goon in a “The future is female” t-shirt.
Objective, adj.: 1. a way to describe news that has undergone an alchemical process in which sense is juxtaposed with nonsense with the goal of turning both into Truth. 2. based not on facts or feelings but on defining truth as the median point between two extremes.
Example: "Thank you, renowned scientist, for that excellent primer on global warming and its causes and consequences. Now, in the interest of remaining objective, we're going to hear from a kook who believes global warming is a hoax perpetuated by China and the pope."
Objectivism, n.: the Scientology of philosophical systems.
Example: “Objectivism is already a huge social problem, and now a new study from Johns Hopkins cites Objectivism as the leading cause of friend-zoning in the U.S.”
Patriot, n.: one who worships the flag and hates the Constitution.
Personal responsibility, n.: the right to personally assign responsibility for all of your problems, mistakes, and grievances on immigrants, Hollywood (code for “Jews”), and Obama (code for “black people”).
Example: “I support the GOP because it is the party of personal responsibility.”
Perspective, n.: a nicer word for bigotry.
Philanthropy, n.: 1. a system of public indulgences allowing rich people to write off their sins. 2. a way for rich people to get their asses kissed.
Poem, n.: a paragraph with
Police, n.: 1. a group of people dedicated to protecting their community. 2. an occupying force that terrorizes a community. 3. the protectors and enforcers of the ruling class. 4. people who are allowed to kill other people.
Political Correctness, n.: a term used by bigots, wife-beaters, and assholes to make themselves look like victims.
Poseur, n.: one who owns a Che t-shirt but doesn’t own any guns.
Presidential, adj.: willing to use flying killer robots to assassinate people.
Private, adj.: only between you and the Pentagon, Facebook, Google, Twitter, various app developers, shady researchers, hackers, and a bajillion advertisers.
Privilege, n.: a thing we all have to some degree, but never to the degree that we really want, even though we would never admit in public that we have any at all.
Privileged, adj.: offensive the dirtiest, nastiest, most lowdown thing you could ever call another person, worse than "motherfucker," "cunt," or "dick-twister."
Problematic, adj.: you use this word when someone you like does or says something racist, misogynistic, or just really stupid but you don’t want to try to tank their career or or destroy their legacy.
Provocateur, n.: a professional attention-seeker.
Racism, n.: a thing that nobody is and everybody hates, useful mostly for winning elections and winning cable news ratings wars.
Ratiocination, n.: a country whose faves and retweets are vastly outnumbered by replies.
Real American, n.: a traitor.
Reform, v.: to destroy, demolish, unravel, or undo, usually in behest of or to the benefit of the space-tourism class.
From the Latin "refuckplebiansintheanus," which translates as “plebs only need enough education to learn to wipe asses because income tax is slavery!”
Religious freedom, n.: in the twentieth century this term would have referred to the notion that all individuals have the freedom to worship the God or gods of their choice according to the tenets of the religion of their choice, as well as the freedom to worship no god and adhere to no religious doctrine without interference from either Church or State, but language, particularly the English language, is ever-evolving, like the virus that will one day destroy humanity, and it now simply means corporate-friendly theocracy.
Repeal, v.: 1. to rebrand; to threaten annihilation of a thing preparatory to just changing the name of it. 2. to have your face fall off again due to over-application of spraytan.
Republicans, n.: a political party devoted to replacing democracy and liberty with a theocratic corporatocracy.
Satire, n.: 1. realism. 2. reality. 3. the art of being unpopular 4. misuse a smokescreen for evil.
Example for usage 4: "If that cunt wins I'm going to rape all the women. Oh don't get so triggered—it's called satire." —Richard Spencer
Self-awareness, n.: a debilitating disorder which fortunately only afflicts a small portion of the population.
Sheeple, n.: a word used by mindless followers to convince themselves that the people who don't believe Trump is a stud god are the real mindless followers.
Solipsist, n.: a swing voter.
States’ Rights, n.: a political philosophy in which it’s posited that states have the right to discriminate against citizens belonging to religious, cultural, ethnic, or other minority groups without fear of intrusion from the federal government.
Suburb, n.: a holding place for people who are too afraid to live in the city and don't have the guts to live in the fucking country.
Superficial, adj.: much more than regular ficial.
Terrorist, n.: one who frightens conservative folks, especially conservative white folks.
Note: it is frequently said that white people cannot be terrorists, but in fact white people who frighten conservatives, e.g. the late author Edward Abbey, are often considered terrorists.
Tolerance, n.: the quality of not murdering people when they say things that piss you off.
Editor’s note: this is an honest definition rather than a facetious one. Sort of out of character but fuck it.
Toxic Pearl-clutching, n.: an infection of the brain usually caused by a surfeit of cute but useless neologisms.
Tyrant, n.: a president who is black.
Values Voter, n.: a slang term for child molester.
War, n.: welfare for arms dealers.
White guilt, n.: a pejorative term used by white supremacists and sociopaths for empathy.
White-Hate, n.: a term used by some white people when they fail.
Example: “I applied for that big job but they said I didn’t get it because I wasn’t remotely qualified but the guy interviewing me looked kind of ethnic so I know the real reason I didn’t get hired is white-hate.”
Xenophobia, n.: synonym for America First.